THE WINTER I TURNED INTELLIGENT: CHAPTER 1 (PT. 1)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Introduction:

It had been two weeks since Belly and I had our worst fight. I was engaged to who I thought was the love of my life. It turns out she would never see me the way she used to see my brother. 

Being second best to Conrad my entire life used to feel draining, but now I’m indifferent to it all. Conrad didn’t change. The pedestal I always put him on did. Belly didn’t change. My naivety to her intentions did. The way her eyes glowed when Conrad entered the room may have dimmed, but it was still there. Belly and Conrad were the same. Even though she chose me, I never really had her.

The old me absolutely thought I did, but he didn’t know better.

Chapter 1:

Saturday was almost over, and tomorrow would be Halloween. I was going to dress up as a gladiator. I guess I’m now embracing being a Greek God, whatever that means. I also cannot believe I just said that. I always hated that so-called compliment. I guess it was flattering, but it was more of a reminder that no one genuinely saw me the way I saw myself, well no one except my mom and at some point Belly or so I thought.

My drowning thoughts were rudely interrupted when I heard a loud thud come from the microwave followed by an awful burnt smell. Great, now my popcorn was ruined. You know when everything goes exactly the way you want it? Yeah, this was the exact opposite. While cursing at the microwave that cost me way too much, the tv roared this line, “I am tired of being strong”. Ironically, this was my favorite scene from my favorite movie, Gladiator.

I was not one to cry easily, especially not at a movie, but I felt a tear fall on my left wrist, the same wrist that had a ring on my wedding finger. This ring was my promise to Belly to always be loyal to her. Remind me to throw this into the ocean tomorrow. 

For a second I didn’t know if I felt worse that we were practically over or at how stupid I felt for wasting three years of my life with her. Guilt washed over me knowing it was definitely the latter. 

My phone lit up as I read the words, “did you really forget?!” Shit, Trusky’s party was tonight. Ironically, Conrad’s roommate from Brown University, Trusky, was my best friend now. I never even thought he liked me when we first met. Trusky either loved you or couldn’t stand you, and I think with me, it was maybe a little bit of both, but he definitely loved me the most. Just don’t tell him I told you that. We went on a road trip to Vancouver last year and I remember on the drive up I asked what made him even want to be my friend and how I would never be as cool as him. His response was and I quote, “man it’s those ocean blue eyes,” “I fell for them the very first time I saw you at Brown, I almost dropped my books.” You can imagine how I rolled my eyes at him.

I guess I forgot about his party, but it was more like I forgot to tell him I wasn’t going. I wasn’t worried to run into Belly. I knew she wouldn’t be there. I just wasn’t in the mood to socialize, smile, or really even speak to anyone, except to my new puppy Hazel. She was a golden retreiver, and she was perfect. Hazel could make me smile no matter how shitty my day was. 

The storm was just getting worse. Emptying my pockets, I landed on a tiny photo of Belly’s painting that my mom made for her in what felt like a lifetime ago. Our little tradition. We kept the other one’s portrait photo with us when we were doing long distance. Belly traveled a lot since she was now an editor for a sports magazine. I was almost done with my MBA program at Duke University. If you had told me three years ago, when I first enrolled at Finch, that I would be graduating from Duke with my masters in January, I would have thought I got a fake acceptance letter. I don’t like to compliment myself, but I worked my ass off to get here. I never worked for anything this much in my life, I guess maybe for Belly’s attention, but don’t remind me about that. I couldn’t bring myself to throw the photo away, but I went and placed it in the kitchen drawer where I kept my random shit that I never went back for.

After distracting myself long enough, I finally replied to Trusky, saying I’d be there in two hours. Not that I wanted to go, but I knew he would drive to my house and give me a speech on why Belly would be winning if I didn’t go. He would mean it in good fun, but no one won here. We both lost. Before I even put my phone down, it lit up again now with these words from him, “Two hours? You’re going to get here at 1 am? Oh please don’t tell me you were watching Gladiator..again…” Was I that obvious? I rolled my eyes at myself and replied, “Do you want me to come or not??” He replied, “why are you still texting me, go get dressed.” Honestly, I was lucky to have a friend that cared this much about me. I went to get ready. 

Between the rain, and running errands all day, I looked like I fell into a puddle, and I smelled like it too. I turned on the shower to a burning temperature, and my skin relaxed at the warmth of the water. I took a deep breath and felt a lot of my anxiety release. This was the most peaceful moment I’ve had in weeks. I shaved some of the stubble that I should have shaved a month ago. Opening the shower door felt like the personification of everything that happened these two weeks. The chilly air struck goosebumps down my spine and I wanted nothing more than to go back in the shower, but alas I had to go to this event. I grabbed my navy Polo jumper and paired it with my oldest pair of dark blue jeans that probably needed to be replaced yesterday. I added some cologne, Belly’s favorite scent on me, a concoction of bergamot, musk, and cardamon, with a faint hint of vanilla. Truth be told, all of this was Belly’s favorite. This was Belly’s favorite jumper on me in the fall, this was her favorite jeans I wore, and right after I would shave, she would always tell me how soft my skin felt. Every time we kissed it was something else, but after I’d shave, it just hit different. 

You know that feeling where you want to do the opposite of what your ex loved about you? I was doing the opposite of that. In an oddly comforting way, it made me feel more confident knowing that this was how Belly liked me the most. Great, it’s midnight, and now she’s all I can think about. I know I said I was more pissed at how much time I wasted with her than how much I missed her, but this all comes in waves. One moment I’m fine, another moment I remember way more than I want to. 

Hazel’s barking brought me back to reality. I kissed the top of her head and hugged her goodbye. I learned my lesson from earlier and took my umbrella and rushed into my red jeep. The storm was a little better so I got there in less than thirty minutes. Of course you could hear Trusky’s music playing from a mile away. As I walked in, Nelly Furtado’s “Say It Right” started, a true classic. You had to give him credit, Trusky knew good music. 

Trusky shouted over, “well, well would you look at this, the king of the sea has finally arrived!,” How does he come up with this stuff, and how does it sound funny only when he says it? He continued, “man this the best you’ve looked in months, and is that musk and bergamot? Trying to impress anyone, are we?” to which I responded, “yeah, very funny.” I was about to ask if any pizza was left, I was starving, when he interrupted me, “listen, I didn’t know this but-“ 

My heart fell out of my navy jumper and left me for the ocean. I knew that smile better than my own.

It was Belly. Shit. 

She wasn’t supposed to be here, I really was thinking out loud when Trusky responded, “I know, I thought she was still in London for that sports campaign, but I guess it ended a few days earlier.” I went and grabbed a beer and kept looking at her. It’s like she read my mind the way I read her mind. Our ESP was probably the only thing still tying us together. ESP was what we referred to when we knew what the other was thinking. She was wearing a burgundy strapless dress with her hair down. She knew my favorite color on her was dark red and that when her hair was messy like this, it drove me crazy. Not to be arrogant, but she knew I would be here and did all this. It’s not like I didn’t literally do the same, but I didn’t know she was going to be here.

I had enough time to walk away, look away, or disappear, but instead I just froze, and now she saw me too. Our eyes locked, and her lips twisted into a flirty smile. What. Is. Happening. 

She walked over to me, meanwhile I couldn’t even move. She looked me in the eyes and said, “I missed you,” as she wrapped her arms around my neck. She knew this was my weakness, but I equally loved and hated her for it. “Bad Habits” by Ed Sheeran started playing, when I said, “ironic isn’t it,” referring to the song, but she had other plans, plans that involved me regretting what happened next. 

She barely touched my ear and whispered, “you smell so good.” All I remember next was that my lips were on hers. My hands found their way to her neck, then waist, then her cheek. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a kiss like this. It was like this was the last kiss we would both ever experience so we wanted to make sure it would last as long as possible. All the anger I felt, almost made it so much more intense but tragic and painful at the same time. It was the best damn kiss of my life. But, it wasn’t enough for me. Not anymore. 

I surprised myself more than her when I broke away from the kiss first. I didn’t even wait to see her reaction. I turned around and headed to the backyard. I needed air.  

Less than a minute later, I felt her arm brush against my back. I knew her touch like the back of my hand. I faced her and lied, “It’s nice to see you,” to which she responded, “you were never a good liar,” She was right, I sucked at it. She continued, “Listen, I didn’t mean what I said to you that day, I was frustrated and hurt, but it wasn’t at you. I want to be with you, there is nothing more I want than to be with you.”

My voice cracked when I said, “We both know the second part of what you just said is not true…I’ve thought a lot about this, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

She genuinely looked confused, “What, why? Is there someone else?”

I replied getting more frustrated, “See this is what I mean, with you, it’s always about someone else, something else, but in my mind, I am always just thinking of you, there is no someone else, because for me it’s just you”

Her voice got softer, “that’s not true.”

My voice got softer as well, “I wish it wasn’t, and I’m not blaming you or saying you’re doing this intentionally, but I can’t keep letting you spin me in circles because at this point, I’m not chasing you anymore, I’ve just been chasing myself.”

She tried to stop me, “But Jeremiah-”

I continued, “Please let me finish, I know you love me, but you don’t want me.”

Her voice was getting annoyed, “How can you say that?”

This next part had been weighing on me for months now, “You want what I have to offer you. You want everything that I give you, but you wish it wasn’t me who was giving it to you.”

Her tone shifted, “You really think that?”

I clarified, “Bells, it’s not that I think that, it’s how I feel around you, I want- wanted you, but clearly love doesn’t work like that, you can want someone as badly as you want, but it won’t change how they feel about you, maybe at the beginning, but that fades”

She continued, “I’ve tried my best to make you see that you are the one I chose.”

I responded equally frustrated and amused, “believe me, I know you tried your best, and see that’s what I mean, why do you have to try this hard to convince yourself that I’m what you want? I don’t think love is supposed to feel this challenging. Fighting for love despite challenges and sticking through a relationship is the type of fighting we should be doing, not fighting over something this simple.”

Her voice broke, “I don’t want to lose you.”

My voice also broke, “No, you don’t want to lose the idea of me, this relationship, the stability of it all. It’s not really about me at all. How can you lose me, when you didn’t really value me? Do you even know how that feels? If anyone lost anyone here, I lost you.”