the winter i turned intelligent: chapter 3 (pt. 1)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Chapter 3 (part 1):

What a fucking beautiful day it was.

When I woke up Belly was still gone, and I still didn’t care. When I got back from my intentionally long walk last night, she wasn’t home.  

Even though I had already slept in, I wanted to keep sleeping, but I was surprisingly starving now. It’s as if removing myself from her gave me back the appetite I lost when my anxiety significantly dissipated. I took a shower and wore a rust t-shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and my black Wayfarer Ray-Bans.

I started my jeep and was headed to the diner since Trusky had texted me yesterday saying everyone would get breakfast there today. I turned on the radio, and all the music sounded like garbage to me. I turned off the radio after switching the station over twenty times. I couldn’t ignore my thoughts any longer. When did my best keep failing me? 

How could someone make you feel like they liked you the same way you liked them and then just blindside you like that? I would never understand this. It was so simple to me. If you liked someone else, why would you waste someone else’s time? Clearly, I didn’t know Belly as well as I thought I did. I felt like an idiot. I gave her a second chance, and I felt way worse now.

Then I was reminded of last night. Great, real fucking great. Of course one of our most memorable moments had to end like that. Now I couldn’t stop thinking of her lips and the fact that no one would ever kiss me the way she did. Real. Fucking. Great.  

I realized the strangest part of life was that you continued with your life not really noticing what was happening to you in the moment, and then one day everything crumbled all at once. Then you’re fucking pissed that you didn’t realize anything sooner, because most things didn’t just happen at once. They happened for a while, but you were just not aware of it.  

I got to the diner, and no one was there so I texted Trusky:

“Trusky, where is everyone?”

He replied right away:

“We’ve been waiting for you for over 30 minutes at the new taco place “Del Mar Tacos.” Where are you? Remember we changed the place last minute. Matt said they have the best breakfast burritos.”

I knew the place he was talking because I was meaning to go there as well. A breakfast burrito also sounded incredible right now, so just for that alone I drove there without any objection even though the drive was now double the distance. I replied,

“My bad, I must have forgot we changed it, I went to the diner, but I’m on my way, feel free to start without me since I know I’m late”

I really needed to listen more around my friends. I always thought I was a good listener, but now, I wouldn’t want to tell myself anything knowing that’d I’d forget it a day later. This relationship had affected more than just my “love life.” I felt ashamed that I let it impact my character now.

I was going to work on all of this. I didn’t want to lose my friends next.

When I got there, I noticed none of them had ordered yet, and it made me smile inside knowing how considerate they always were for me. The place was right by the beach, so the air was even colder than before, with a slight unpleasant wind adding to it.

I sat next to Jessica, “you guys should have ordered, I feel bad, I didn’t want you to wait for me, thank you though”

Trusky looked at me skeptically, “my man, it’s not sunny why are you wearing those?”

He was right. It was a very gloomy day that matched how I felt inside, but I didn’t want to admit I agreed, “Because it’s sunny in my mind”

Carlos snorted, “oh yeah it for sure sounds like it is”

Zac gave him a slight nudge, “be a little more considerate”

Carlos gave him a look of surprise, “what? He knows what I meant”

I took off my sunglasses, and the look everyone gave me hurt my eyes more than all the crying I had done the past few weeks, “what?”

Trusky’s voice sounded serious all of sudden, “what happened?”

Surprisingly all of us, I told them the truth, “I broke up with Belly last night. We’re not engaged anymore. And no, I don’t want to share any details. Maybe at some point but not now.” I saw genuine shock in everyone’s faces except for Ashley who looked as if she expected to hear this.

Trusky gave me a look that I knew meant he would talk to me about this later because he knew I wanted privacy, but I could see the sympathy in his eyes. Jessica looked the most shocked, “I’m sorry Jeremiah, but who knows maybe everything will still work-“

I stopped her, “no, it’s over, I’m ready to start over, what’s everyone ordering, has anyone been here before?”

Matt chimed in, “just know we’re all here for you, even if you don’t want to talk about it for a while”

I appreciated all of the support, but all of this discussion about Belly was slowly taking away my appetite again, “listen, I’m fine, I appreciate all of your support and concern, but let’s just talk about anything but this right now, literally anything, what happened with you and Nina, Trusky?”

Shit. The second after I said this, I remembered this was the last thing Jessica wanted to hear. Why did I keep fucking everything up?

Jessica looked less annoyed than I expected though, so I was a little relieved. Trusky’s response surprised me even more than Jessica’s reaction, “Uh, she’s cool, we don’t have to talk about that right now, let’s talk about how Joey’s Bar is having karaoke night tonight. They only have it once a month, and this would be the perfect time to go.

I hesitated, “I don’t know if it’s the best idea for me to go sing songs in public right now, plus I’d just bring the mood down”

Zac tried to be supportive, “Jeremiah you could never bring the mood down. How about you go with Carlos and me, so that way if you don’t have fun, we could just leave early?”

For a second, I considered it only for the fact that Carlos, Matt, and Trusky were awful singers, but Carlos and Trusky especially thought they sounded amazing, so I changed my mind, “I could really use a good laugh right now, so okay”

Carlos poked my arm, “yeah like you sound better than me”

I laughed, “oh no one could sound better than you, that’s why I have to go to this”

We had our breakfast and Zac was right, they really had the best breakfast burritos I’ve had before.

When I got home, Belly’s car was parked outside. I already dreaded going inside, but I knew I couldn’t run away from anything anymore. When I got inside, she already had packed most of her things, “what are you doing?”

She responded coldly, “I’m moving out”

I responded coldly as well, “I was going to move out”

She snapped, “well you didn’t exactly tell me anything after you left last night so I just assumed you never wanted to see me again, so logically, I would think I should move out. I’m going to stay with Taylor for now”

I wasn’t going to give in to her intentional remarks, “I literally just went for a walk, came back, and you weren’t here, I didn’t want to talk to you, so why would I call you?”

She continued, “which is why I’m leaving”

Now I snapped, “Belly, I will move out, okay, I’ll stay with Trusky or something, it’s fine really.”

I could tell her anger was building, “you don’t need to do me any favors okay, I don’t even want to stay here,” and then her voice cracked and her tone softened, “all it would remind me of is you.” She broke our eye contact at that last part.

I took a deep breath, “this place reminds me of you as well though”

She looked back at me, “think of Hazel then only, this is her home, and at the very least she should stay here, and you know she loves you more than anyone else, so it wouldn’t be fair for her to leave, so by default you need to stay here”

I could not believe her. Of all the times she could have chosen, she chose right now to remind me why I still loved her, and I hated her for it. “You’re not going to change your mind are you?”

Her toned softened, “No I won’t, and if you don’t want to stay here, then I guess this will be an empty home because I am definitely leaving”

This place was going to be an empty home regardless, with her gone. She didn’t need to remind me of that. So I watched her leave in silence.

I went and sat on the couch in the continued silence. Belly had burned a cinnamon candle that was on the coffee table next to the couch. This same candle always made me look forward to autumn. Even though she left for good, she was still here. From now on, every time I would miss her, I would need to remind myself of everything that was wrong with our relationship.

Belly didn’t just lie to me, she had been lying to herself, for longer than I was now aware of. I should have been angrier for not listening to my own doubts. I never doubted how I felt about her, but I doubted how she felt about me. I was not angry at myself for not noticing what was happening between us because believe me, I noticed and on many occasions. I was angry at myself for knowingly allowing my hope to grow while reality kept intervening. 

But I was most angry at the fact that I wasn’t even that upset that it took this long for us to break, when it meant I could spend as much of my life loving her the way I did. I won’t pretend I don’t love her anymore. She was my first love, and I don’t know if I will ever love someone else the way I still love her. But I was no longer okay with loving 90% of her, I wanted 100%. It wasn’t her fault, but I wish I could blame her. I thought that would make this easier, even though I knew it wouldn’t. 

I snapped myself out of the gloom I was in after I tried my best to convince myself that this was good for me, good for both of us. I was Jeremiah Fisher. I got this. I closed my eyes and remembered our New York trip from last autumn. Shit. I don’t got this.

Last November:

Belly was invited to a sports conference in New York a week before Thanksgiving. She asked me to join her since she would have a few days of down time in between the conference. Anytime she wanted me to go one of her events or do something that meant a lot to her, it made me feel special. It made me believe she thought of me as frequently as I thought of her.

The flight there was chaotic, but we laughed through all of it. Belly wanted to stay at the Lotte New York Palace hotel since the original Gossip Girl was filmed there so of course I made sure we stayed there. After checking in, both starving, we went to this French restaurant the concierge recommended. After dinner, Belly wanted to visit the Free People clothing store. This was her favorite clothing brand, and the one in New York City was her favorite. She thought the aesthetic of the one in this city was very festive during autumn and winter. She would always tell me she felt as if she was shopping inside of a snow globe. After she spent a few hours shopping, I carried her many shopping bags back to the hotel. In the elevator, her bags filled up more space than we did.

I looked at her half-jokingly, “remind me to never come to New York City with you” 

She poked my arm, “hey there’s a lot about this place that you won’t forget”

I continued the banter, “oh, I’m sure of it, so I’ll be booking my own ticket soon”

She reduced the space between us and started playing with my hair, “without me?”

I felt dizzy all of a sudden as if I was on the Tower of Terror ride from Disneyland, “maybe...maybe not, depends how well you convince me?”

She kissed me softer than I expected, but it felt better that I could have imagined. In between kisses I tried to interrupt, “Bells-ahh-not in an elevator...”

She kept kissing me, while I was trying but failing to speak, “why not? I read this in books, but I never knew it would feel like this”

I laughed while she kept kissing me, and the vibration from her lips to mine, sent a shiver down my spine, “shit.”

Then the elevator door opened. I guess we both forgot to put the elevator on stall. I felt some of Belly’s strawberry lip gloss on my lips, and now I couldn’t wait until we got back to the hotel room.

Holding her waist while we made our way down the hallway was probably not the best idea considering it took us double the amount of time to make it to our suite, but I’d rather wrap my arms around her while we walked than get there sooner. The room card must have fell out of my hands at least twice before Belly took it from me, “give me that, you can barely stand right now.”

I kept kissing the back of her hair, “don’t blame me darling, I can’t help it”

When we got inside all I heard was, “FASHION SHOW!”

I started laughing, “so that’s why you bought all those clothes, now it all makes sense!”

After disappearing to the bedroom, she walked out into the living room of the suite, with these gold sequin bell bottoms and a black strapless tube top. I never would have thought I would like this look, “okay but why does that actually look kinda cool?”

She just smiled and strutted away to wear the next look, a ruby red long dress with matching beads, that hugged her figure perfectly. My eyes were wider than ever, “damn, that’s the one, I don’t need to see the others.”

She walked slowly toward me, and I could see desire building in her eyes, “you sure about that, you don’t want to see the others?”

I blinked a few times to snap out of the heaviness that was building in my eyes, “Yes I’m pretty sure that I’d pass out if you have another one that surpasses this one”

She smirked and walked away. I did not want to know what that was all about, and I also couldn’t wait. I distracted myself scrolling through my feed.

She gave a, “mmhhmm” to get my attention, and I looked up, “forget what I said, that’s the definitely the one.” She was wearing an amethyst lace dress that was see-through.

She teased me, while walking closer to me, “no I clearly remember you saying a second ago that the other one was the ‘one’”

I sarcastically laughed, “Potato, tomato, what’s the difference?”

She laughed while she lowered herself on top of me so that her knees where on both sides of my thighs and whispered into my ear, “remember a few weeks ago in the car?” She started kissing my neck, and I couldn’t see clearly anymore.

I closed my eyes, “I couldn’t erase that memory even if I tried…”

She started unbuttoning my grey button-up shirt, and asked, “now do the exact opposite to me”

I let out a loud grunt and slowly picked us both up and placed her on the edge of the bed.

I got down on my knees and started kissing her left inner thigh, and the sounds she was making were louder than usual so I teased her, “shhhhh, you’re going to wake up the city that never sleeps”

She tried her best not to laugh and flipped me off, while also saying, “fuck you”

I laughed while still kissing her, and looked up at her, while I said, “yeah, tell me about it”

She started laughing

I stopped myself, “Wait, I cannot believe I’m interrupting this, but there’s something I need to tell you”

She looked at me in disbelief, “well that was a first, what is it?”

I smiled nervously, took in a deep breath, and gave her the speech I had practiced for years. “When I almost lost my best friend, I was crushed. When I lost my mom, I was broken. But when I thought I lost you, I couldn’t breathe. When you came back into my life and fought to stay in it, I was relieved that my pride didn’t cost me the love of my life. Belly, I love you. Not for just the reasons you might think. If I could just be your best friend for the rest of my life, I would have still won in life, but the fact that I got to know you the way I have been lucky enough to know you in, is beyond my wildest dreams. You deserve the best and even more than that, and I will never stop trying to give you all that I have. I took out the ring that I saw she fell in love with when we were in Paris last spring and gently touched her left hand, “will you marry your best friend?” Fuck, I was nervous I mixed the words, “me- I’m the best friend” I got warmer, “will you marry me-”

She put out her hand, “Yes, I will marry my best friend, I will marry you.” She kissed me right away.

My smile was glued to my face even during the kiss.

She broke away from the kiss as she eagerly looked at the ring, “I cannot believe you bought the ring I wanted”

I kept smiling, “It was meant for you. Oh, and look closer at it and tell me what you see.”

She gave a puzzled smile, “I don’t see any-...no, you didn’t...”

I raised my eyebrows, “Ah but I did.” There were two tiny sapphires on each side of the oval cut diamond, since she said the only thing that would have made the ring perfect was the sapphires.

She looked a little overwhelmed, “You always know what to do to make me smile, I cannot wait to marry you.”

I sat next to her on the bed and ran my fingers through her hair, while she kept staring at the ring as if she were hypnotized by the gold piece of jewelry, “I didn’t even plan to propose in that moment, but all of a sudden, I felt like it was the perfect timing, which is kind of ironic if you think about it, considering I was down on my knees a second ago for something completely unrelated”

She burst into laughter. I burst into laughter. I was going to marry Isabel Conklin, and I couldn’t wait.

Back to Present Day:

I must have fallen asleep again because I woke up with three missed calls from Zac and a text from Carlos. The text said they would be here in less than hour to go to the bar. I changed into my favorite autumn flannel and layered it with a hoodie and jeans. I wore a different cologne, one with more musk and some saffron. Carlos drove us, and when we got there, the place was packed. Trusky, Jessica, Ashley, and Matt were all already there and had ordered chicken tenders and onion rings. The food looked incredible, so I started eating right away.

Trusky noticed I was in a better mood, “see I knew coming tonight would make you feel better, they have the best comfort food here, and just wait until you see the song I requested for us to sing”

I smiled, “oh no, I’m genuinely terrified”

The next thing I heard was the hostess announce, “Up next, Trusky Stevens and Jeremiah Fisher singing “Tear In My Heart” by twenty one pilots”

I mouthed to Trusky while shaking my head, “are you serious?”

This was our favorite song to sing together in the car. We must have listened to it about fifteen times during our road trip to Vancouver.

The song started, and Trusky sang first. He already was ten keys off tune, and I laughed after the first note he sang. Then I joined in on the second chorus. The bridge was next, and it was Trusky’s favorite part of the song because of the government reference it made. We both began singing this part as dramatically as possible. Then as the bridge was building, our voices became louder, and even more out of tune. I sang the next part on my own, and for the first time these past few days, I was fully present in this moment. I was completely immersed into this song, and I didn’t remember anything that had happened before this moment. As the song became slower by the end, I noticed the lyrics more closely and remembered how I actually felt.

When we got back to our table, Carlos ordered tequila shots for the table, but I only had one. Suddenly, I wanted to leave.

Belly’s POV: 

I went to pick up some fries Taylor wanted from this local bar when I saw him. I didn’t want him to know that I saw him, so I quickly made my way to the door once the food was ready when I noticed there was a girl sitting next to Jeremiah. He was talking to her, but I couldn’t see her face. Taylor mentioned she saw him talking to someone at the Halloween party but that it just looked like they were acquaintances. She mentioned that she was very beautiful and seemed confident, and now I was even more curious to see her. Was this the same girl, or was this someone else? I knew I messed up, and I felt more than terrible about it, but it felt a little out of character for him to end our engagement like that. I knew how much our relationship meant to him, and I also knew that he knew how much he meant to me. Is this why he broke up with me then? The Jeremiah I knew wouldn’t just break up with me for the necklace, text, or even what I said. I trusted him and knew he would never have cheated on me, but I still felt betrayed seeing him with someone else barely a day after we broke up. I knew I didn’t have any right to feel this way, when I well know I’m the one that screwed this up, and we were over. It still hurt though. I couldn’t stop staring at them, but I forced myself to look away and left. I couldn’t handle more pain than I was already in.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV (five minutes before):

I went to grab a drink from the bar. Honestly, I just wanted a moment by myself. As I sat on the bar stool, the bartender asked me what I wanted, “Two cold beers please.”

The next thing I noticed a stranger told me, “Two? For who?”

It wasn’t a stranger. It was Natasha. I replied, “They’re actually both for me.”

She narrowed her eyes at me, “Funny, I wouldn’t have guessed your drink of choice would be beer, let alone having two of them at once. Jeremiah Fisher keeps surprising me.”

This may have sounded like flirting coming from anyone else’s mouth, but from Natasha, it felt like unwarranted judgement. She looked away immediately after she said this, but not quick enough for me to not notice how puffy and red her eyes were.

I was staring at my beers, “Well you should really stop judging me, and what are you even doing here?”

I could tell by my peripheral version that she was staring at her drink as well, a dirty martini, “What? A girl can’t be alone at a bar on a Tuesday night at 11 pm?”

I felt bad that what I said came out like that, “No, that’s not what I meant, I mean why are you here when it you looks like- are you okay?”

I heard nose sniffle softly, “I’m fine.”

I tried not to look at her, “You’re fine?”

She was still staring at her drink, “Not this again...yes, I’m fine.”

I continued staring at my drink as well, “Well you don’t look fine...”

She looked at me with a tone that implied she wanted this conversation to end, “I’m fine.”

So I looked at her and accepted the defeat, “Okay, you’re fine.”

She changed the subject, “Where’s your ring? One moment you’re not wearing it, then you’re wearing it, then you’re not wearing it again-”

I interjected, “Why were you looking at my ring finger?”

She tried to rationalize this immediately, “I notice random details about people that I don’t know...I guess things that a lot of people don’t really care about.” Then she tried to deflect from this, “Does the fact that you ordered two drinks at the same time have anything to do with this engagement of yours?” 

I didn’t appreciate her mocking tone even if it wasn’t intentional, “I don’t want to talk about it, and I’m not engaged anymore.”

There was silence for a few seconds, with each second feeling like an hour before she continued, “I’m sorry to hear that.” She paused for a second, “Maybe if you talked about it, you would feel better about it.”

I appreciated her attentiveness, but I didn’t want it, “I’m handling it just fine, thank you.”

Now she turned the previous conversation around, “Well, you don’t look fine either, and is finding ways to distract yourself like watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, and Gladiator, your way of handling it? 

I narrowed my eyes at her with my mouth slightly open, “How did you know I like the Gladiator?”

She pretended to laugh at me, while facing away, “I didn’t, but I do now, and why I else would you wear that costume that wasn’t even-”

I interrupted her, “yeah okay, okay noted, worst gladiator costume ever, I got it, thank you, you’ll have to show me what an authentic one looks like one day before you win that one.”

She snorted and looked at me, “Gladly, but you’re trying to change the subject.”

I wasn’t, but I was glad it was working. Giving my best exaggerated fake smile I turned toward her, “I’m fine the same way you’re fine.”

She took in a deep breath, while still looking at me as I looked away to take a big sip of my first beer, “Listen I don’t know you...”

I took another sip of my beer and was still faced away from her, “Yeah you don’t.”

I could feel she was still looking at me, “but I get the impression that you’re a person that tries to make everyone around you happy all while forgetting about yourself. Coming to order falafel for your friend just to introduce them to someone they liked, feeling bad for your other friend when you noticed my sister and Trusky were flirting, trying to make sure I wasn’t mad at the mix-up, and something tells me whatever happened with your engagement has a similar story to this. And what? How long have I known you, barely a few days. It’s great if everyone around you is happy, but then what about you?”

Did she really notice all of this? I knew I should’ve acknowledged what she said, but it stung to hear so I just focused on the parts that weren’t about me, “How did you know Jessica was hurt by Trusky?”

She looked at me with an obvious look, “Are you kidding me? A woman’s intuition. I know exactly how she felt. I saw her face when I was walking to get a drink before you came to check if I was okay.”

I made eye contact with her now, “Yeah, I know how she felt as well.”

Our eye contact lasted a little longer that we both probably intended when I noticed something in her eyes shift before she looked away abruptly.

The bartender came back with both our bills, and I handed him my card, “I got it.”

Natasha tried to give her card instead, “No, thank you, but that’s not necessary,” and handed her card to the bartender as well.

I looked at her confused, “No really, let me pay, I feel bad.”

She looked at me frustrated, “Why do you feel bad? For me? I don’t need you to feel bad for me. I will pay for myself.”

The bartender left and said he would be back when we decided who would pay, and I didn’t blame him, “What- no I was just trying to be nice.”

She looked at me annoyed and made sure she made eye contact with me when she said this, “Well don’t be, stop trying to be so nice. Maybe if you weren’t this nice, you’d still be engaged right now.”

This felt like the sharpest dagger to my chest. I wish I hated her for saying that to me, but the reality was she was the first person to speak this coldly, yet truthfully to me, not even about this, but just in my life in general. The worst part about this is that I think she had a point. I took in a deep breath and my voice became small, “My mistake.”

From the look on her face I knew she regretted what she said, “Jeremiah, I-“ 

I took out some cash for the beers that I barely drank one from and didn’t mind to not wait for the change and got up from the stool, “I should really head out. I have to study for some exams coming up, uh...” Honestly, I didn’t know what else to say because I was worried if the next thing I would say would also probably offend her. So all I pathetically said was, “bye.”

Since Carlos and Zac drove me tonight so that I could drink, and I could tell they were still enjoying their night, I decided to walk home. I waved at my friends, motioned to them that I was tired from a distance, and left. The walk was only fifteen minutes anyways. These days I could use all the fresh air I could get.

The wet pavement reflected back my now unrecognizable reflection. Who was I anymore? There was not one other person in my view while I headed home. I walked in pure silence, my thoughts on pause and my mind blank. Hazel was sound asleep when I got home, so I tried to make as least noise as possible, while taking my shower and getting ready for bed. I came back to the couch and decided to go through some photo albums that I had from when I was in high school. First, I went through the photos from the volleyball team I was on, then the other from the soccer team, then a few from prom, and finally ones from the leadership club I was a part of as the event coordinator. I wonder how I wasn’t exhausted at doing all those things all while trying to apply for colleges and navigating the world of being a teenager.

I always wanted everyone to like me, but did I ever really like myself? I think I liked being liked and that wasn’t something I wanted anymore. Not to sound conceited, but when you’re someone that people always expected to be the “happy” and “joyful” one, when you were anything less than that, people would question you, and you would lose your appeal. At least this is what I convinced myself when I was younger. I never wanted anyone to see my pain, anxiety, or adversity when it meant I would be seen less than what I was before and would add to their own problems as well. I now saw that every layer of pain I kept inside to help mend other people’s problems, wore me down an extra layer.

Clearly, having my happiness depend on others didn’t get me far. Well it did, but like Natasha said, was I actually happy? Or was I just happy everyone around me was happy and that’s all I needed to be happy?

When I was also younger, I loved being around as many people as possible. It gave me energy since I also saw myself as an extrovert. Now, I tried to avoid crowds, and I felt more at peace when I was at home alone with Hazel. I knew this changed as you grew older, but my gut feeling told me that this wasn’t what I really wanted for myself. There was a part of me that missed going out and experiencing more than I’ve limited myself to.

A few tears landed on the next photo I came across. It was my high school graduation photo, and Belly came to support me even though we weren’t really talking because I had found out she had kissed Conrad. In that photo though, I genuinely still looked so happy because deep down I wanted her to be there that day, not just because my mom couldn’t, but because she was my closest friend. I knew she came not only because she wanted to, but she also knew that I wanted her to as well. I tried to push her away because I didn’t want to get hurt again, but she didn’t give up that easily.

When Natasha said that last sentence to me, I felt like she broke into the part of me that I tried to ignore all this time. I wanted to cry right when she said it to me, but I stopped myself. She was right. She was right about all of it. I knew she wasn’t saying that I shouldn’t be nice. I knew exactly what she meant by it. Maybe if I was different, things would be different.

I didn’t know what I could do to feel better about this. There was probably nothing I could do to make any of this better right now. Maybe only time could fix this. So much of myself was defined by Belly that I almost forgot who I was anymore without her. If I wasn’t happy without her, did I fail myself?

Now I wished the younger me still existed, the carefree, more joyful version. Sure, he was naïve and a little immature, but he was happier on his own terms. Maybe he was still here somewhere? At least I hoped so.   

Even though I missed Belly, I missed myself more, and I knew I needed to focus on myself now.

Sometimes the best way to connect to your older self was to do things that brought you joy when you were younger. I used to love watching the show Friends after studying for midterms, so I made some Vienna Roast coffee and had it with my favorite Trader Joe’s graham crackers and watched two episodes quietly, so Hazel wouldn’t wake up. It was very cold, and my hair was still wet from my shower, when I heard the door ring. That’s odd, it was 2 am. Who could be here this late? I looked through the keyhole and noticed it was Natasha.

I opened the door surprised, “Hi, how did you know-“

She interrupted me, “I asked Trusky for your address before I left the bar.”

I noticed how cold she looked, “Come inside, you look like you’re freezing.”

She stood in place, “No, no this will be quick, here I brought you some falafel.”

I took the falafel from her with confusion, “Um, thank you...did you just cook this?”

She nervously smiled, “Uh, no it was some leftovers from last night.”

I hesitantly smiled back, “well thank you for this-“

She cut me off and raised her voice, “I’m so sorry, I had no right to say that to you, I don’t even know how I said that.”

The apology was sweet, but it wasn’t necessary, “I appreciate that, but you were right.”

She shook her head, “No, I don’t know anything about you or your life or your personal life for that matter, and I shouldn’t have imposed like that. I’m very disappointed in myself, and you don’t have to forgive me, I wouldn’t.”

I smiled, “There’s nothing to forgive, you’re good, trust me if you knew everything that has happened, you would have said more.”

She started to look a little delirious, laughed, and then immediately covered her mouth, “Sorry I shouldn’t have laughed!”

I pursed my lips while smiling and raised my eyebrows laughing simply at the fact that she was laughing, “No, it’s actually pretty fucking hilarious in the most devasting way.”

She was trying to stop her laughter, “We are both definitely fine that’s for sure.”

I nodded, while squinting at her with a sarcastic tone, “Yeah we couldn’t be better.”

Our third occurrence of silence with extended eye contact since we met continued before I broke it this time, “Well I also owe you an apology, I’m sorry for offending you as well. I genuinely wasn’t trying to when I was trying to pay for the drinks.” 

She looked concerned, “Okay I can’t help it, but you also worry too much about offending people, and I’m clearly not the expert here, but I would think if you’re constantly worried you’re offending people chances are you’re not, and remember what I said about apologizing so much?”

I gave a smile while looking at her with more understanding now, “Natasha”

Her eyes looked like the night of Halloween where her tone softened, “Yeah?”

I tried my best to say this, “You know it’s okay to cry,” and I continued, “and it’s also okay to admit you cried.”

She looked into my eyes with her watery eyes. Her eyes were even bluer than during the daylight when I first met her. She stared blankly into my eyes for what felt like a few seconds, then looked like she woke up, “I should go, I have to be up even earlier tomorrow” and walked away.

Why did she have to keep waking up this early? “Natasha wait.” Her back was facing me, so I continued, “Natasha.”

She didn’t turn around, “Yeah?” 

I was getting worried for her, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I can drive you home if you want.”

Her back was still facing away from me, “no it’s okay,” she paused, and her voice was barely audible, “thank you, I’ll be fine.”

I didn’t believe her, but it wasn’t my place, “Do you mind maybe texting me when you’re home, so I know you’re home safe?”

She turned around, and I could tell she was crying just a moment before and didn’t want me to see. I felt very uncomfortable, like I invaded her privacy. She softly and sarcastically said, “if you wanted my number, why go through all this trouble?” and quickly clarified, “that was 10000% sarcasm.” 

I nodded with a slight smile, “You don’t need to keep saying you were sarcastic after you were sarcastic, if you stop this I’ll maybe consider not apologizing as much.”

I handed my phone to her, and she put her number in it, “Deal”

She gave me back my phone, and I was confused, “Who’s Carolina?”

She looked at me with a smile, “It’s pronounced, “Carol-eena, and that’s my middle name”.

I must have looked even more puzzled because she laughed when I said, “Why your middle name?”

She shrugged, “why not?” and judging by the look on my face she finally explained, “I always liked it more than my first name, and that way you’ll remember me better since we’re in North Carolina, but remember Carol-eena not Carol-ina”

I smiled, “Got it, and don’t worry, I don’t think I could ever forget you.”

She gave a genuine smile, and it made me happy to know her tears were fading, “well it’s been weird per usual Fisher. Enjoy the falafel.”

I said, “don’t forget to text me”

She laughed from the car, “How can I? You have my number.”

I laughed at my own obliviousness, “right okay, well I’m texting you “hi” right now so you won’t forget”

Before getting in her car she faced me, “okay I probably will still forget so just remind me” 

I nodded, “Okay, drive safe”

She smiled and drove off.

Natasha was still the strangest person I’ve met.

The Next Afternoon:

I took Hazel for a walk on the beach. Once we reached the shore, I started daydreaming. I didn’t want to walk on eggshells any longer, so it was simple, I wasn’t going to anymore. Standing over the sand felt so good even though it’s rough edges surrounded my feet. “Rough edges”- this was what I avoided before. I never wanted to have a rough edge, and what good did that do for me? It felt ironic knowing what I spent so long chasing from is exactly what I became. It’s funny how fear works. It’s only a matter of time when you’re forced to face them. I was now standing here with nothing but rough edges, but I knew I was going to be okay. I had a chance, a chance to start over and live my life with a clear mind the way I never thought I would.

I was finally single. It felt a little odd, not going to lie, but it also felt like anything was possible. I wasn’t tied down to anyone. I wanted to get married young, but now I was relieved that I wasn’t going to get married. I also wanted to focus on more than just relationships. I had my own goals and dreams that I wanted to accomplish. Even though I knew hard work was key, I decided I was going to try less to see how things worked out for me now.

The biggest lesson I learned from this relationship was the more I wanted something to work out, the more it slipped through my fingers. I didn’t want to work for anyone or anything as much as I did before. Just yesterday, I was a lot sadder than I felt now, and I was still a little sad, but I no longer felt sorry for myself.  

After our walk, I sat on the shore to watch the sunset with Hazel beside me. I looked at her, and she instantly looked back at me with her precious face that always looked like she was smiling back at me. I smiled at her and then at the horizon by the end of sea that reflected the marigold, coral, and dark periwinkle sunset.

The best word that summed up how I felt right now to my surprise was relief. I was relieved that I would no longer be committed to someone who doubted me the way she did, someone who still had unresolved feelings for someone else.

Seeing Natasha like that last night reminded me how we’re all dealing with shit on a daily basis. In our minds, we feel as if the world is revolving around our problems, but it’s oddly comforting knowing we’re all struggling with something.

Who knew how I would feel tomorrow, but right now, I felt like a different person. I was never a fan of change but always tried my best to manage it before. Now I was ready to embrace it. I was scared as hell, yet this also felt a little exciting and thrilling. Being in love was fucking incredible and devasting at the same time. At least this was my experience. I had never been in love before Belly. I assumed it shouldn’t have felt that devasting though, but I didn’t have anything else to compare it with. If it was possible, I wanted to be in love without the devastation. Conflict and challenges were inevitable, but I couldn’t take a heartbreak like this again.

Maybe a breakup is what I needed. Maybe I would find someone better for me one day. I stood by what I told Belly two nights ago. I would not get married if I never found what I wanted, and for the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship. I would not settle for anything less. 

There were still a lot of unknowns here, but one thing felt secure. I was finally free from this mess.

As the autumn sun faded into the horizon, a gust of sea breeze comforted me when I heard footsteps on the sand. I skeptically turned around, looked up, and must have been imagining. Blinking to wake myself up from the state of shock I most likely was in, my view didn’t change. “What are you doing here?”

My brother gave me his best convincing smile, “Can I join you?”

Conrad was the last person I was expecting to see today...