the winter i turned intelligent: chapter 3 (pt. 2)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Chapter 3 (part 2):

TWO DAYS AGO (RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK-UP):

Even though it was a relatively sunny morning, in my mind it felt like a gloomy fall evening. I didn’t know where I was going, but I couldn’t stop walking. I couldn’t believe this happened. Did this really end, just like that? Did she really think I was this stupid? That I wouldn’t have found out eventually...

I was surprised at everything I said to her. I still didn’t believe I gave her my ring like that and the snarky comment I added in for dramatic effect. I hated how I spoke to her, but I also hated that I felt bad at how I spoke to her. Everything I told her was exactly how I felt in that moment, how I had been feeling. I was used to not saying how I really felt, worried I would ruin things. For once I gave her the truth, something I felt consistently had not been reciprocated back to me before.

The thought of Belly crying at this very moment occurred to me, but I brushed it off quicker than how much thought she put to leave the necklace visible enough for me to notice it in the first place.  

I went on a walk mostly because the air felt suffocating inside, but also because I was too angry to drive. There was a lot more I wanted to say to her, words that I knew would hurt both of us, so I stopped myself, before I said something that I couldn’t take back.

When I saw the necklace on the bed, Conrad was the last person that came to my mind. I was on cloud nine from last night. For a split second I really believed we could make it work somehow. I thought that’s what she wanted too.

When I heard her phone buzz, my gut feeling confirmed what I hoped wouldn’t be true. As I read Conrad’s name on her lock screen, I felt even worse than when Belly told me her and Conrad had kissed, when we had kissed only a day before. At least, we weren’t officially dating then, even though in my mind we were, and she was also honest with me about it.

The exact text was engrained in the back of my mind. I read it a second time to make sure I wasn’t imagining. Conrad had messaged her: “That’s awesome that you found the necklace! In retrospect, I shouldn’t have insisted for you to keep it, but I’m glad that you did. :)”

I didn’t know who texted who first. That didn’t matter to me. I was pissed that she never mentioned that they had been communicating for what I now assumed had been more than just that text. I don’t know when it started, why it started, or how it kept continuing without me noticing it. All I knew was I didn’t want to be a part of this anymore. I didn’t even want to go back to the house. It didn’t feel like home, not anymore.

The thought that there might have been much more secrets here that I still didn’t know about made me feel sick.

Before, whenever there was something I was going through, Belly was the one I wanted to talk to first. She’s the last person I wanted to speak to now. This wasn’t about the necklace. I didn’t fucking care about some piece of jewelry. The necklace was finally a tangible thing I could use to prove she still thought about him.

Would Belly keep my ring now, the same way she kept Conrad’s necklace all these years? Probably not, since it would just remind her of a terrible memory, while his necklace gave her some sign of hope I assumed. Isn’t that why she held onto to it in the first place? Whether or not it was intentional, it didn’t change the fact that she potentially envisioned another future for herself, one that didn’t include me.

I kept hearing my phone vibrate. I ignored the notifications, until my phone vibrated for a third time. I checked the screen, in case it was an emergency. All the messages were from Belly, with the last one saying, “please come back.” I didn’t read the first two messages. I couldn’t go back because if I did, I would change my mind, and that would be too fucking painful.  

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

I didn’t answer Conrad, so he just sat down next to me. “How have you been?”

I looked at him with my most polite yet obviously pissed off look, “You serious? How have I been?”

Conrad sighed, while his smile disappeared, “look, I didn’t know how to start this conversation”

I looked back at the horizon, “before you say anything, I don’t want to know”

Conrad turned to the sea, “don’t blame Belly for any of this, she told me what happened”

I looked at him, “oh I don’t. I blame both of you. You know what’s funny though?” Now I looked at him, “I blame myself the most.” He shook his head, but I continued, “I knew what I was getting myself into when I dated someone that you also loved, but I thought she chose me this time.”

I could only speak for myself, but something told me that this was the last conversation either of us ever wanted to have with each other. Even after all these years, we rarely talked about Belly together. I didn’t want to avoid the obvious anymore, now that I didn’t really have a choice to. It wouldn’t help the situation.

It was also nice for a change that Conrad wasn’t trying to change the subject or give his usual short responses. “She did choose you, and-”

I rolled my eyes, “No she didn’t. At first, I thought she chose me because she thought you didn’t want to be with her anymore. But then, she made me believe that this was just my own insecurities. Now I know she wanted you from the start. I just gave her everything you didn’t or should I say couldn’t give her, and now some part of her clearly wishes you would have”

He sighed while turning toward me, “When you and Belly first started dating, I was shocked. I didn’t know you liked her as much as you did, and I didn’t know she liked you back. I was caught off guard.”

I just raised my eyebrows, and he kept continuing, “To be fair, I didn’t even know how much you liked her when we were younger. You never told me how you felt.”

I glared at him, “well you never told me how you felt about her when we were younger either. I always knew she was crazy about you. Was I supposed to read your mind? I’ve always loved her, and that never changed for me”

I could tell by how his eyes softened, that he was trying to reason with me, “I can see that now”

I scoffed, “That only took you three years to notice…”

Conrad bit his lip in frustration, “No I noticed it the first time we all hung out together, when you two started officially dating”

I narrowed my eyes, “So that’s why you had to come and mess it up now that we were engaged?”

He snapped, “No Jeremiah, that’s not why I’m here. Belly told me you broke up. I know how much you care about her, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I didn’t know it would be possible for me to get angrier than I already was. He clearly didn’t know I knew about the necklace.

I turned to him with a serious tone, “Can I just ask you something?”

I could tell he had no idea what I would say next, “Sure, what is it?”

My jaw clenched, “Why did you do it?” He had a blank expression, and I continued, “why did you reach out to her now...after all this time?”

He sighed, “I haven’t always been the best brother to you before, and I’m working on that, so I have to be honest with you. She reached out to me.”

I almost didn’t believe him, “What?”

I could tell he wasn’t going to share more than this with me, “I don’t want to comment beyond that because this is between you and her, and when you’re ready, please talk to her.”

I looked back at the horizon, “I don’t care how much we talk, I’m not changing my mind.”

Conrad put his hand on my shoulder softly, “Okay, but just hear her out. We both know you don’t owe me anything so do this for yourself, for your own closure.”

I knew closure felt close to impossible here, “This is not about what I want. It’s never been about what I want. What I want has never changed.”

He removed his hand from my shoulder and didn’t say anything else because he knew whatever he said, I would try to convince him and more so myself that it was wrong. So we both sat in silence, while Hazel was resting on my side.

We both knew this was not the time to “catch up” and ask each other about the other parts of our lives. After a good ten minutes of silence, Conrad got up, “it’s nice to see you, really, I missed you, I hope we can actually talk like old times soon. If you need anything let me know. I’m going to be in town for about a week. I’m staying with Steven.”

I just looked at him and nodded. I must have been in a trance when I woke up and realized Steven and Taylor lived together, and Belly was staying with Taylor right now. Conrad had already left the beach. Fantastic, Belly and Conrad would be living under the same roof for at least a week. Of course I cared. I needed to stop thinking about how much I cared. That way I had a chance to actually stop caring about this.

Glancing over at Hazel, I remembered she was running out of her favorite treats. I walked back home to get my car keys and decided to not bring her with me so that it would be a quick trip. The Trader Joe’s parking lot was packed per usual and festive as ever with plenty of haystacks, pumpkins, and autumn-inspired flower arrangements. The cinnamon scent that filled the air even before you entered the store usually distracted me, but this time something more important caught my attention.

Belly was talking to Conrad outside of a coffee shop that was a few stores down.

They were far enough from me that I knew they didn’t notice I was here.

Seeing them together with my own eyes right in front of me solidified every doubt I’ve had about us since we were together. It’s as if I was right where I started even before three years ago.

I wasn’t jealous. I was devastated. They didn’t even do anything, and I still felt all of it. Belly and Conrad didn’t have to do anything, just by the way they were looking at each other, it was enough for me to feel betrayed.

I went inside Trader Joe’s and bought the treats as fast as I could not caring that I probably needed more groceries. I didn’t want to run into them.

Belly didn’t look as sad as I felt. Maybe she was hiding it, or maybe she was relieved. If she was relieved, I would be relieved too.

I took my phone right when I got into my jeep and looked for Natasha’s number. The only message I had sent her was to remind her to let me know when she got home the other night. As she warned me in advance, she did forget to text me, then responded after with, “yup I’m home, thank you. Sorry again for what I said.”

My nervous hands typed an entire paragraph then deleted it right away. I hadn’t exactly texted another girl in almost three years, so I’d be lying if I said this didn’t feel a little awkward, or actually extremely awkward.

I changed my mind and put my phone on the passenger seat and drove home. After I gave Hazel her treats, I walked to Joey’s. I actually enjoyed the walk home last night. It felt strangely peaceful. I was craving nachos, and they had the best ones in town. I ordered two cold beers again, and this time drank both with my food. I looked at my phone again and went back to her number and put it down again.

You know what no, I was doing this.

 A text felt impersonal anyways, so I decided to just walk to the food place, Bouras Gyros, since I drank, and it wasn’t that far from my run last weekend. It was only around 7:30 pm as well, so I assumed they would still be open.

I was wrong about the walk. It felt like forever to get there, and I must have been sweating when I opened the doors. The two beers and nachos definitely did not help.

The place was luckily empty yet again, and Natasha, to my pleasant surprise, was the only one working there again, which was a little eerie not going to lie.

She smiled with a slightly confused expression, “Jeremiah?”

Between the sweat from the walk to the sweat from how nervous I was, I couldn’t imagine how I looked in this moment, “Hi, are you still open?”

Natasha’s smile grew wider and now added sarcasm to her tone, “I mean you’re in here so yes…we close at 9”

I was such a dumbass, “Right, well, um, do you want to get dinner with me?”

She still kept her sarcastic tone, almost about to laugh now, “What? Is this for another one of your friends now?”

This was good. This was the happiest I’ve seen her since we met, “no, I really meant with me this time”

Natasha’s smile fell, and I was surprised why, “Didn’t you just end your engagement?”

That was the last thing on my mind right now, “well, yes, but-”

Her tone quickly became very apprehensive, “so I’m your rebound then?”

This was not what I intended, “what? No-”

I could tell by her facial expression that she was annoyed, “I mean I didn’t expect you to think anything of me, honestly, but I never thought this is how you thought of me as. I knew my initial gut feeling about you was off”

This remark that was given by someone who still remained a stranger to me, still stung, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

She smiled again, but now mockingly, “you saw her…just now, didn’t you?”

How did she know, “I-“

She shook her head, “I’m not stupid. So that’s why you’re here. You felt sorry for yourself, and you wanted to forget about it by coming here and asking me out”

Is this how I sounded like right now? “Natasha, I didn’t mean-”

Her smile disappeared altogether, “I would never go out with you. You’re exactly what I hoped you wouldn’t be like”

I tried to fix it, but the damage was already done, “Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you”

Natasha’s facial expression turned into a complete poker face, “If you’ll excuse me, I have customers to prepare food for, and for the record, I’m used to this behavior, so no guy, including you, could ever hurt me”

I opened my mouth to speak, but she already looked away and started helping a customer who just walked into the shop. It was pointless anyways. Nothing I would have said to her right now would have changed anything. So I left.

I went back to the bar, but I didn’t want a drink. I just went and sat there and people-watched. I ordered a snack that I didn’t even eat. I was an asshole. How did I just do that? I knew better than that.

I didn’t even think how Natasha would have felt by me asking her out. I completely neglected her feelings. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t even drunk. There was no one to blame but myself. I noticed a couple sitting together in the corner in the same booth that my friends and I sat at during karaoke night. They could not stop laughing with each other. It brought me back to freshman year at Finch.

FRESHMAN YEAR AT FINCH:

Belly and I were running to the campus bar, since it was pouring rain. Of course we both forgot an umbrella, and of course Belly was wearing sandals, even though it was the first week of December, and it could have started snowing any day now. I quoted a line from one of Belly’s favorite movies Leap Year, “‘Don't worry, just put 'em the wash; they'll be grand.’”

She jokingly punched my arm, “HA HA very funny, who’s the one who brought me the wrong volleyball bag, hmmm??”

I teased her, “who’s the one who has three volleyball bags that all look identical hmmmm??”

Her voice got all high-pitched, the way it would when she got either competitive or defensive, “they are all different shades of blue, ahh forget it, I don’t expect you to understand…what??”

I just grinned at her while shaking my head, “nothing”

She narrowed her eyes and laughed while saying, “no there’s definitely something, when someone says nothing, that’s when you know there is for sure something, spill”

I pushed the hair on the right side of her face behind her ear, “you’re just simply irresistible when your voice gets all squeaky like that”

She opened her mouth wide, “Squeaky? Really? You couldn’t come up with a sexier word than squeaky?”

I wrapped my wet arms around her waist, “oh trust me, it’s very sexy”

I could tell she blushed, and suddenly my cheeks also felt warm amidst the rain, “c’mon, we have to get our booth before anyone else takes it, and I want the nachos. I heard they’re super cheesy.”

She took my hand and we made our way into the bar. Between the two of us, we had five ginger beers, and three nachos. We laughed at how her new coach had no idea what he was doing and how Taylor was practically coaching their team at this point. But most all, we couldn’t stop laughing at the fact that we couldn’t stop laughing, and that was the best laughter. We were probably just delirious from finals that were in a week. At least after our exams, we could go on the Iceland trip. I had a feeling this would be a special holiday.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

It was that time of the evening where all my thoughts were just about Belly. So I knew it was time to go home.

When I got home, I felt guilty all over again. I fucked up. I treated Natasha the way I had been treated before, as an option. When did I become this insecure? This wasn’t me.

I wanted to delete my relationship for making me act this out of character, but there was no way to do that, so I sat on the navy couch and began deleting photos of Belly from my camera roll. I started with the first few months when we began dating, purposely avoiding staying on each photo for too long because I didn’t want to remember any of it, when I noticed the picture of Belly’s portrait photo that my mom painted that I kept in my pocket, the same one I put in my shitty kitchen drawer. 

Things with Belly were already fucked, but I was not going to fuck up whatever it is that Natasha was to me, definitely not a friend, but even a potential recurring acquaintance. This wasn’t even related to Natasha. It could have been anyone else, and my behavior would have been the same tonight, and that wasn’t okay.

I had to fix this. But first, there was something more important I needed to do. I went to the same miscellaneous kitchen drawer that I placed Belly’s portrait photo in last weekend. I searched for a small glass bottle and cork stopper from the top cabinet where we would keep our wine glasses for when we had guests over. Once I found them both, I wore my warmest winter coat, even though we were still in autumn. The air felt colder than usual, almost as if it had been snowing earlier. I forgot the note I needed as well, so I went upstairs to the drawer on my nightstand and found the tiny piece of paper from years ago. I made my way to the beach.

The waves were mild, and the ocean had enough purple to it that it almost looked violet. The moonlight reflected from the sea creating an unusual amount of light to this fall evening.

 As I took out the photo from my pocket, I felt a tiny pebble and remembered I kept it in the zipper of my pocket from when Belly and I went on a class trip to Iceland at Finch.

This was the same winter coat I wore that night I would never forget.

TWO DECEMBERS AGO:

This was one of best trips I had ever been on. Belly and I decided last minute to join the business club on the Iceland class trip a week after Christmas. We were still a little jet-lagged from yesterday’s flight. The class group tour was over for the day, and we had the rest of the evening to ourselves. The daylight was fading into dusk. Belly wanted to see Aurora Borealis, so we were headed to the beach in hopes of getting a better view. My fingers intertwined with hers, as we made our way to the shore, when the first fall of snow fell on my left cheek. She looked up and was just as taken by the view as I was.

Then we both saw it. Belly said exactly what I was thinking, “Wow, this looks just like a fairytale.”

 I wrapped my arms around her because we were both freezing but mostly because I just wanted to hold her. She looked at me with those eyes I fell for, while hinting she wanted me to kiss her, so I did. Her lips felt electric against mine, like lightning during snowfall.

Belly broke away from the kiss and whispered into my ear, “let’s go back to the lodge”

I knew exactly what she meant, and suddenly I had goosebumps on my entire body, “okay”

When we got back to the lodge, Belly and I quietly snuck into her cabin since we all had assigned roommates from our professor. She locked the door, while I was trying to hide my more than obvious fidgeting. She walked toward me and started kissing me again. Everything about this felt right. I never knew I could feel this much all at once. She removed her coat and started unbuttoning her sweater, when I stopped her, “Belly wait”

She looked at my hands, “What’s wrong? Why are your hands shaking?”

I took in a deep breath, “I’ve never done this before”

I had never seen Belly look this surprised before, that it made laugh a little inside and calmed my nerves ever so slightly, “I mean I have done things, but not…this”

I knew I was almost 20 and in college, but I hadn’t done this before, and from the looks of it, she couldn’t believe it either, “Is this your first time?”

I softly said, “Yes,” and continued after seeing her wide eyes continue to stare at me, “well, don’t look so shocked!”

She laughed for a second, “No I’m sorry, I’m sorry, well I am a little surprised-but in a good way-not that it would have been bad if you already had, I’m just surprised, you know? Can I ask why? Maybe there’s no reason, I’m just curious.”

I traced her sunflower necklace and felt her get goosebumps now, “Well, I knew it was a long shot,” and then looked into her eyes, “but I wanted it to be with you”

Her tone became very gentle, “really?- I don’t even know what to say, that means so much to me that you did that, genuinely, I’m honored, and the last thing I wanted to do was to bring any pressure on you. We could do this another time”

I probably sounded more eager than I wanted to, “No! this is the perfect moment”

She smiled, “because we’re in the most magical place together?”

I smiled back, “no because it’s how you felt in that exact moment, and wherever you are is the most magical place to me”

She normally would call out my overly cheesy phrases but she didn’t even bother this time and instead kissed my cheek. I started to unbutton her sweater and stopped at the second button, “are you sure you want to do this?” I know she had started this, but I just wanted to make sure.

She gave me a knowing grin, “yes, more than anything”

I kissed her as she was still finishing her sentence, while failing to unbutton the rest of her sweater, making her laugh into the kiss. Then I realized something, “Wait shit, I didn’t bring any protection, I didn’t exactly think this was going to happen here”

She shook her head, while smiling, “well it’s a good thing I brought it then”

I laughed, “oh okay, I see what you did, this was all part of your genius plan, have me enchanted by the Northern Lights then make your move to seduce me. Bells, I have to give you credit, I did not see this one coming, quite literally”

She laughed almost too loud worrying both of us since we weren’t even supposed to be in the same room right now, “I will never get tired of your dirty jokes”

I pulled her in and brushed my nose against hers, “good”

She lifted my sweater, and it felt unreal. Considering the heater was already on, and combined with everything happening right now, I felt like we were by the equator. Then she unbuttoned the rest of her sweater. I started kissing her collarbone, while she made the move to remove her bra. I must have been frozen, “you’re so fucking beautiful.” She kissed me so quickly that my heartbeat never felt this fast before.

Our kissing had been quick and urgent, but as we moved to the bed, our pace shifted. She could tell I was still nervous even though I was trying to hide it. I wanted to impress her, but I also didn’t really know what I was doing, so I almost was following her movements.

I must have done something incorrectly because she started laughing right after we started. My face probably was as red as an apple, “wait, what did I do?”  

She tried to stop laughing, “nothing no, you just have to get a little closer.”

I was confused, “what do you mean-oh.” I never felt more embarrassed, but her laugh never failed to make me smile even though in this moment it was at the expense of my stupidity. I listened to her advice, and her laughter disappeared into sounds I hadn’t ever heard her make before, and it made me tense up. I must have done something right when she called my name shortly after.

I didn’t want to go back to my cabin. I just wanted to lay beside her here. She was playing with my hair when I looked up at her, “I promise I’ll be better next time”

She laughed at me while shaking her head, “you were incredible, perfection, better than I even imagined.” She said that last part with a flirtier tone.

I raised my eyebrows at her, “oh so you’ve thought about this before then?”

She gave me that classic Belly competitive look, “yes and on many occasions actually”

I laughed at her, “our ESP is getting more and more frightening because I’ve been thinking of it a lot recently as well”

She gave a confident glance, “oh were you now? And how was I?”

I got up to look at her closely, “you’re perfect, you’re always perfect. I can’t believe I’m in love with my best friend”

Her eyes looked even more surprised that when she found out that this was my first time, “you just said you’re in love with me”

I took her hand, “of course, I’m in love with you Bells, I always loved you, but I started falling in love with you even before we started dating. Once we started dating, I felt I had the confidence to finally embrace it, and that feels so freeing”

She kissed me, “It’s a good thing I’m in love with you too, or else this would have been awkward”

 I laughed and kissed her again as she pulled the sheets over us, while we forgot about the rest of the people we came on this trip with.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

I needed to stop doing this to myself. Every time, I remembered a memory we shared together I felt a million times worse. The pebble in my coat pocket reminded me that Belly and I both kept a pebble from the sand in Iceland so we would always remember how special that trip was. It’s a good thing I noticed this now instead of later. I placed the pebble in the glass bottle.

I looked at Belly’s portrait photo one last time, sighed, then folded it and placed it into the bottle as well. The last missing piece was a note I kept from high school. Even though Belly and I didn’t go to the same school, I gave her a note during one of the family dinners we had, where I would jokingly pretend we were passing notes so it felt as if we went to school together. This was one of the many ways I tried to fill the void that would remain when summers would end and I barely got to see her. This particular note said, “would you go to prom with me?” I knew at the time Belly didn’t like me more than a friend, so I was curious to see what her response would be. To my surprise she replied with, “only if we wear matching outfits.” Just that response gave me hope that one day we could maybe be more than just friends.

That note used to mean a lot to me. Not anymore. I let go of it, and as soon as it landed beside the rest of the pieces, I closed the bottle with the cork stopper.

My grip tightened around the glass bottle. My grip softened around the glass bottle, and now I let go. I threw the message in a bottle into the midnight sea, hoping all the memories that came along with it would vanish as well.