the winter i turned Intelligent: CHAPTER 4 (Pt. 1)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Chapter 4 (part 1):

I couldn’t do it. Some part of me knew deep down I couldn’t. This probably explained why I threw the message in a bottle barely away from the shore. The ocean was calm and was helping me from making a terrible mistake. My nerves were at an all-time high when I rushed into the ocean. My knees were now fully submerged in the freezing water as I was shuffling my feet slowly in hopes of finding the bottle.

After panicking for a good 45 minutes, I accepted that it wasn’t meant to be. I forgot all about Belly’s trip to London. I forgot about how she called Conrad’s name while we kissed. I forgot that she kept his infinity necklace. I forgot about everything but this bottle while I stood still in the violet ocean. The bottle was gone, yet all the memories I wanted to leave me were more alive now than ever.  

I turned around and headed back to the shore when I felt a sharp pain. What the fuck was that? It took me a full second to realize what it could have been as I placed my hands in the water touching the familiar glass.

Thank God. I didn’t lose her. 

My first instinct was to remove the cork stopper right away. I was worried her picture was ruined from the water.

The photo was a little damp, but Belly’s portrait still looked as I remembered it. My heart relaxed back into my chest.

The Next Afternoon:

Belly’s POV:

Taylor and I were sitting outside of a coffee shop having coffee with an assortment of fresh cinnamon sugar pastries. She was checking her messages, so I naturally began daydreaming about the obvious. I didn’t want to move out this week. The last thing I wanted to do was to leave him. I had no choice. I couldn’t stay in our house. It had still hurt me to even say that out loud. I knew I was still very young, but I never expected the start of my twenties to have gone like this.

If Jeremiah wanted to know what happened when I was in London, then he needed to ask me. I contemplated going to explain everything to him, but I knew he would still find a way to connect things back to Conrad. How could I blame him though? I gave him every reason to believe that he should be worried about Conrad and me. There was more to this, some parts that quite frankly I couldn’t even explain to myself, and I was well aware at how this sounded. If I didn’t believe every feeling I ever felt for Conrad had erased, how could I expect Jeremiah to? It pained me that Jeremiah couldn’t see that what I felt for him was not comparable to what I felt for Conrad. It was a completely different kind of love, one that he would never understand.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

Just because I didn’t throw the photo and the message in a bottle in the ocean, didn’t mean I wasn’t mad at her anymore. I was still angry, and I still wasn’t going to change my mind. I knew I had to move on. I just didn’t think throwing everything away like that would have done me any good.

I wonder when Belly and I would talk about how things ended or if we ever really would. I couldn’t imagine us not bringing it up eventually, but I also couldn’t imagine how we would begin to speak again. The more days that passed, the more distant she felt to me. Part of me wanted to hear what she had to say before she moved out and even the night we broke up. I knew myself better than she did though. If I had stayed, the slightest convincing argument would have made me reconsider. I wanted her to understand why I was serious this time.

Back to Belly’s POV:

I wanted him back, but I knew I really hurt him this time and didn’t know how to fix it yet. Even though I still wanted him, I would understand it if he didn’t want to be with me anymore even after hearing me out.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

Being around her when she would mention Conrad had gotten to a point where she didn’t really see how she sounded, and I wanted nothing more than her to hear herself and notice how ridiculous what she said sounded like. I wanted her to stop spending so much time trying to convince me she was over him and instead convince herself. I didn’t believe that she was over him, yet she thought she was, and I was tired of hearing the same story over again.

I wanted her back but not if I knew her mind was somewhere else.

I had wasted most of the day watching Friends, and not going to lie but hearing Joey Tribbiani’s jokes for seven hours nonstop was a powerful way of releasing all your negative emotions. I now remembered what I said to Natasha last night and wondered how I would make it right. I thought about texting her apologizing again, but she would most likely not respond. I knew it would take more than an apology to gain her trust back, so I was going to think of the best way to approach this.

Meanwhile, I had to study for a few exams that weren’t exactly midterms nor were they finals. Some of my professors had assigned us last minute exams that they referred to as midterms even though they already gave us midterms a few weeks ago. I loved this MBA program because it was the first time in my life where it made me enjoy school. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t eager to prepare for exams or to work on homework, but the courses that I had the opportunity to participate in throughout this program had been surprisingly eye-opening. My mom had always reminded me how I would miss school once it was over. Maybe she was right. I hadn’t taken a break between high school, college, and now for my masters, so I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I felt burnt out at this point. I knew she would probably be right though, she usually was for most things.

I started with marketing since it was my favorite subject and it came more naturally to me than let’s say finance. I flipped through my consumer behavior textbook to find the relevant chapter for my exam. The opening paragraph began with a case study on sports marketing and featured examples from the ESPN company. Even though the sport that this study highlighted was tennis, I instantly thought of Belly. The business trip she went on in London a few weeks ago was for ESPN for a volleyball tournament.

I tried to read the next sentence, but I couldn’t block her out. Maybe I just needed to take a shower. I took a shower once a day, but I skipped it last night. I was too exhausted from searching for that bottle. My mind felt more fresh and focused after a shower so I hoped this would help me concentrate better. I was very hungry and contemplated picking up some food first, when I scowled at how bad I smelled, so I decided to take a shower first.

As I turned on the shower, I jolted at how cold the water was. I waited for a good two minutes next to the water until it was warm enough for my liking. As I placed the bar soap on my skin, I realized this was Belly’s peach and cherry blossom bar soap. I usually did not use this scent, but the smell brought me even more comfort that the warm water did. As I layered the soap down my chest, I remembered how a few days ago, we could have been in this shower together had I not left to go turn off the kitchen stove. The stove would have most likely been fine, and I would have probably not noticed the necklace.

Belly’s POV:

Taylor and I went shopping for some new shoes earlier today. It kept me distracted since we had to drive to three different stores to find the exact pair she wanted. Spending time with Taylor was one of my favorite things to do, but I’d be lying if I said Jeremiah wasn’t on my mind the entire day. Especially since I had been traveling the past few weeks and was away from him, I missed him now more than ever. I felt bad that I was relieved when she said she had dinner plans with Steven. Conrad also had gone out to catch up with some of his old friends. This meant I had the whole house to myself.

Nothing compared to the bathtub that Jeremiah and I had shared, but Taylor’s guest tub was pretty nice as well, and I still had the peach and cherry blossom bath salts I brought with me. I lit some pumpkin spice and cinnamon candles and then filled the tub with warm water. As the bath salts dispersed, I sighed at the comfort of it all. If I had just packed away that damn necklace we could have been in here together.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

My body tightened at the thought of her as I lowered her favorite soap across my stomach.

Back to Belly’s POV: 

I took the matching peach and cherry blossom soap and lathered it onto my legs. I put the soap beside me as I massaged the foam onto my skin, imagining it was his hands.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

I put the soap down on the shelf and rinsed the foam off. As the water dissolved the soap, my right hand continued to travel down my body with only her on my mind.

Back to Belly’s POV:

I closed my eyes, while my mind was running wild. All I could see were his lips, his stupid, perfect, fucking lips.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

The water suddenly became noticeably colder, and I snapped out of it. I came to take a shower to get a clear mind, not to remember her even more. Suddenly I was even hungrier than before my shower, and I didn’t think it was just from the warm water...

I changed into a burgundy sweater, blue jeans, and my navy Sperry’s. I wanted some split pea soup and grilled cheese that our local café only had during fall that they usually ran out before the evening. The shopping center with the café had a lot of other great food options as well, but I was only craving this all of a sudden. I couldn’t find parking near the place, so I parked farther than I normally would.

My phone buzzed as I was a few stores away from the café. It was a text from Trusky asking if I was okay. I kept walking as I was typing out a response when I ran into her. It was Belly. She was the last person I wanted to run into right now. Not only because of the break-up, but in that moment more so because of what had just happened or should I say almost happened...

Back to Belly’s POV:

Well this was awkward. I had no idea what to say so I just nervously smiled like an idiot. I can’t believe I just saw him after doing that. Great timing. 

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

Of course I had thought of her plenty of times before, but this felt different because we weren’t together anymore. Even though I didn’t do it, just the thought of it now made me more embarrassed than I thought I would be, “Hi I was just going to go get some soup.” I was just going to go get some soup, really? Did I really just fucking say that? I wanted to crawl into a hole.

Back to Belly’s POV:

He was acting weird too, and I wasn’t sure why. Was it because of the girl I saw him with the other night? I expected him to look angrier, “That’s cool, I’m getting some pizza.” Did I really just say that him getting soup was cool? Very smooth. There was an even more awkward silence so I continued, “Jeremiah-”

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

I didn’t want to talk about us, not yet, “Belly, I don’t want to talk about it, please, I- I,” I couldn’t look into her eyes for too long without breaking so I tried my best to quickly speak again, “I have to go, they’re going to close, enjoy your pizza” I didn’t say that last part with any sarcasm. I genuinely didn’t know what else to say. It was either that or ‘they will run out of the soup,’ which to be fair sounded equally as dumb now as ‘enjoy your pizza.’ Nothing could have made that conversation less awkward no matter how hard we both had tried.

Back to Belly’s POV:

It was pointless. I knew rushing him to talk about this wouldn’t do either of us any good, so I just nodded, “yeah no worries,” and noticed my voice sounded like it was about to crack so I cleared my throat hoping the nerves would vanish, “enjoy your food as well.” I walked away as fast as I could.

Back to Jeremiah’s POV:

Luckily, they still had the soup left. It tasted even better than I remembered, and the grilled cheese was gooier than ever. It was one of the more satisfying meals I’d had all week. Between the comfort food and the warm shower, I knocked out as soon as I got home.

The Next Morning:

Today I wanted to start fresh in hopes of studying for my marketing exam. This time I had a different approach. Fresh air recently made everything better, so I decided to study at the local park. Hazel loved the park since she enjoyed seeing all the other dogs as well, so I took her with me. When we got there, the grass was almost invisible with how much it was filled with foliage. There were still some leaves visible that were green, but almost a chartreuse shade of green that would soon match the rest of the leaves and surely turn into mustard yellow, cinnamon orange, and brick red.

I placed a pumpkin-colored blanket on the leaves for us to sit on, as Hazel and I took in the breathtaking view that would turn into layers of snow in a little over a month from now. The autumn season was really growing on me. Seeing how much Hazel enjoyed it as well made me love it even more.

Summer used to be my favorite season. I couldn’t confidently say the same anymore. As beautiful as my summer memories were, most of them were connected to some form of disappointment. It was the season that Belly left me the first time around when I let my guard down. It was the season that I first started liking her more than a friend. It was when I fell in love with her. It was when I saw her in a relationship with my brother.

I didn’t come here to think of her, not again. I quickly opened my textbook hoping this time, I would be more focused, as Hazel was playing with a tiny tree branch beside me. I managed to finish two chapters of reading without thinking of her once. I looked up for a second to make sure Hazel was comfortable as well and noticed she was taking a nap. Smiling inside I went to begin my third chapter when I noticed a girl running alongside a guy. The girl’s hair was in a ponytail and was the same medium chestnut brown shade of Belly’s, and the guy had a similar dirty blonde shade of hair that I had. I continued reading, but my mind was now on Belly again. Why did this keep happening? The harder I tried to forget about her and about us, the more I remembered.

A strong breeze filled the air causing the smaller leaves to rise and swirl around in circles. The way the leaves were restlessly turning matched the confusion and uneasiness I felt. I looked at Hazel and noticed she was awake from her nap. The expression she gave me was puzzling, and then something randomly clicked for me in that moment.

Maybe I was thinking about all of this the wrong way. Maybe I didn’t need to forget anything. Maybe all I needed to do to move on from Belly was to remember everything.

This should be fun...I hope.