THE WINTER I TURNED INTELLIGENT: CHAPTER 4 (PT. 2)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Chapter 4 (part 2):

After finishing two more chapters of my marketing textbook for my exam, Hazel and I left the park and returned home. I lit two of Belly’s large cinnamon candles that she left behind, one for the kitchen and one for the living room. Within fifteen minutes, the entire room was filled with her favorite autumn scent.

I was never a fan of cinnamon, but in time it had become one of my favorite scents during the fall season. Now that the circumstances were different, I expected to no longer enjoy this smell. If anything, it brought me more peace now than it did before. It must have been the power of nostalgia that reminded you of bitter and sweet moments that somehow were now entwined together.

I remembered I had to run an errand tomorrow and went to my camera roll to find the screenshot I took of my notes app as a reminder. To my disappointment, the photos app landed on the first few images on my phone. I immediately scrolled down to the bottom, and I heard Hazel bark. Since Hazel was still a puppy, she would bark whenever she was excited about something, but other than that, she wouldn’t usually bark. I looked at her and noticed the same puzzling expression she gave me at the park. I swore this dog was smarter than me.

I remembered how I had decided to remember everything that had happened between Belly and me rather than try to forget it all. This was the only chance I had at genuinely moving on from her. I needed to remember all the times I was left heartbroken. My greatest fear in remembering all the bad, was of course being reminded of all the good. I didn’t want the good memories to overshadow the truth that I tried to avoid all these years. There wasn’t any other option, so I decided our photos was a start. The first photo on my camera roll was when I was sixteen, and Belly was fifteen.

She was wearing a sparkly mint dress, and I was wearing a white t-shirt and blue shorts. We had an end of a summer barbecue at the summer house. Conrad and Steven went on a road trip with my dad, so it was just me, Belly, my mom, and her mom, Laurel. It was the first moment where I got to really spend time with her when I realized that the crush I had on her for years had turned into something more. Conrad would be here in a few days, so I wanted to make the most of the time we had alone together.

SIX SUMMER’S AGO:

Belly’s eyes were sparkling more than ever as she took my hand and guided us toward the beach, “C’mon, it’s a full moon, and we don’t want to miss it!”

Belly wanted us to throw a message in a bottle into the ocean. She was fascinated with the idea of throwing your thoughts into the deep seas in hopes of a stranger one day finding the treasure. She insisted that on a full moon, it brought good luck that would increase the chances of the bottle returning to shore one day. On the message, she had written: “Belly and Jeremiah will always be best friends forever and ever...” You should have seen the look on her face when she showed me the message. So I just smiled back. How could I have told her all I wanted was for us to be more?

She turned to me when we got to the shore, “Ready?” 

I was ready to be more than friends is all I remembered thinking, “Ready.”

Her left hand intertwined with my right hand, as my heartbeat rose, “may this message in a bottle return back to this very shore and bring luck to new friends,” she squeezed my hand as she completed her sentence.

Her eyes grew wide as she let go of my hand, “You know what we have to do now right?”

I was still in shock at the hand holding. It was the first time we ever held hands where I liked her more than a friend, “what?” 

Smiling she ran back to the summer house, “we have to dance so that our message in a bottle returns back to shore one day!”

I started running to catch up with her, “okay, now you’re just making up rules!”

Belly laughed, “I promise this is true!”

I laughed, “yeah, yeah, sure…prove it”

She raised her hands pretending to be confused, “I have to find the book I read it in, but it’s true”

Our moms had their favorite 80s playlist on that wasn’t my personal favorite, but the songs never sounded better dancing alongside Belly. As we danced on the grass, I twirled her around and did a spin myself. 

She mocked me, “where did you learn those moves?”

I smiled at her with sarcasm, “I read it in a book, but I forgot which book, I’ll have to find it”

She jokingly pinched my arm as we kept laughing and dancing. 

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

I realized I was smiling looking through these photos, and as much as I tried to stop, I knew that would defeat the purpose. I had to think of this clearly and not be as jaded as I wanted to be. That night was one of my favorite memories of us. Even though she had no idea how I felt, things were good between us. We were best friends just as we had always been, and at the time, it was more than enough. 

After looking through those photos, I scrolled down to find my notes reminder when my eyes noticed the photos from Dylan’s graduation party. Dylan was one of my good friends from high school. I wouldn’t say we were best friends, but we did a lot of activities together and were on the same sports teams. His family was very wealthy, so their graduation party looked more like a wedding ceremony. I remembered his entire backyard was adorned with sparkling lights. Conrad and Belly had been dating for about a month, and I had accepted that Belly and I would never have the chance to be more than friends. 

FOUR SUMMERS AGO:

I drove by myself and when I got there, my heart dropped when I saw her. I would never forget the peach silk dress she wore with gold heels. She had a camellia in her hair as well. I had to remind myself for a second that I was mad at her, mad at both of them. I tried not to let my smile show through when I saw her. Shortly after, I noticed her face radiated with joy as she made eye contact with my brother. 

When Belly noticed me, she walked over to me with that same infectious smile, and I was at a loss for words. 

She smiled at me, “Hey”

I smiled back, “hey.” I wanted to tell her how gorgeous she looked, but I froze. 

There was an awkward silence before she started a new conversation, “I saved you a seat, we should go before someone takes our table. Everyone is now showing up”

I wanted to sit with her, but I also didn’t want to sit with her. I knew Conrad and her would sit next to each other, and I preferred not to see them together right in front of me. It was still too soon. Quite frankly, I didn’t know if I would ever get used to it. I also knew I’d be off to college soon and would more than likely miss her so I nodded, “yeah, sure”

She directed us to our table that was filled with floral arrangements and tiny candles. We were the first two people to arrive at the table. I was surprised when Belly sat in the seat right next to me. It made me smile inside, but it made me equally nauseous. 

Before I knew it, Steven came up from behind and messed with her hair, “our Belly is all grown up, can you believe it, Jere!”

She was mortified, “Steven I swear! If you-“

Steven quickly disappeared before Belly could finish her sentence. 

She fixed her hair as she sat back down next to me, “how did he leave that quickly?”

I laughed, “he’s probably scared of you right now” 

Belly gave me her best competitive glare, “oh he better be nervous after that!”

I was reminded of my own nerves, “I’m sure he’s nervous, how could he not be with that look in your eye right now”

She picked up on my sarcasm, “ha very funny,” but didn’t detect how nervous I was sitting this close to her. 

How could you be this nervous around someone after knowing them your whole life? It was as if every moment I was with Belly felt like the first moment, yet somehow I felt even more nervous as time progressed. I guess it was my feelings that grew stronger each time I spent with her. 

I don’t think she knew how nervous I was right now as she continued running her fingers through her hair, “does it look better now?”

She always looked perfect, “yes, you look beautiful, you always do,” I wanted to add, ‘your hair could be messy, neat, dry, wet, and it would still look perfect’ because that was the truth. I stopped myself because I knew it wasn’t my place. I wonder if she would ever get to know I liked her hair the most when it was down and the messiest. Probably not. 

She nervously smiled, “thanks,” as our eyes looked into each other’s hoping to understand what the other was thinking right now. 

A slow song came on as I tried to hide the disappointment that instantly filled me. I dreaded the slow songs tonight because I knew they would most likely dance to them together. 

This was just the first one when Conrad appeared behind us and then joined the table next to Belly. He brought a plate filled with some steak, green beans, and potatoes and started with the green beans, “the food is incredible, you guys should go before it gets cold. The line was pretty long when I left.” By the look on Belly’s face, I knew she was surprised, but I was not, not even a little. 

I knew she expected him to ask her to dance even though he didn’t really like to dance. She nudged his elbow, “well...”

He looked as clueless as usual, “what?”

Belly motioned toward the dancefloor as she shook her head with her eyes growing wide for him to catch the hint. He dropped his fork as his eyes widened now, “oh, right sorry,” he wiped his mouth with the ivory cloth napkin as he got up from his seat and put his hand out toward her. He tried to switch to a charming tone to make up for a moment before, “may I have this dance Isabel? 

My jaw twitched when he called her that. I knew he didn’t want to really dance in that moment, and he only did it for her to make her happy. I gave him that. He wanted her to be happy, and I appreciated when he made the effort, but even if I didn’t like to dance, knowing I would have the chance to dance with her would make me look forward to every dance. 

It didn’t take much for Belly to forget her disappointment as she smiled taking his hand. I wondered if Conrad realized how much Belly liked him and how little it took for him to make her happy. I also wondered if he knew how much she paid attention to him. I was most curious if she noticed he didn’t do nearly the same for her. 

A minute into the song, he leaned closer to her, and before I knew it, his lips were on hers. I took in a deep breath and turned around. I didn’t want to see the rest.

After a few seconds, I turned back around and watched them again. I felt like Belly and I understood each other. I knew her better than I knew anyone else, except for my mom. I knew what made her the happiest, what upset her, and everything in between. I wanted to give her the love I knew she deserved.

I wish I had told her how I felt sooner than I did. Even then, things might not have been any different, but at least I wouldn’t have been left wondering this at that moment. I wonder if her and Conrad had said ‘I love you’ yet. If it was me, I would have probably said it on our first or second date. I wouldn’t be able to wait that long because I had been keeping those words to myself for what had felt like decades.

My attention turned towards his hands when I noticed he moved his arms from her upper back and now wrapped them around Belly’s waist as she moved in closer to him. Their foreheads were almost touching as I felt the inevitable again and now turned around this time for good.

I went to grab a soda when I ran into Steven. 

He pointed toward them, and I intentionally didn’t look in their direction, “Can you believe they’re finally together?”

Steven was still looking at them so he didn’t see me roll my eyes, “Yeah, it’s unbelievable”

He turned back to me with a confused look, “Is everything okay?”

I tried to add more enthusiasm to my tone, “Yeah, everything is great” 

He nodded with a slight smile then said how he was going to go get some food. I was relieved as I continued drinking my soda when the slow song ended. 

Belly and Conrad held hands while they walked back to our table. I knew it was a mistake to sit at their table. 

LATER THAT EVENING:

Dylan’s backyard had it’s own backyard that had a gazebo that was lit with bright lights. The sun was setting as I walked over near the gazebo. I wanted to get away from the party for a second. I heard footsteps and saw Belly walking towards me. 

She had a look of concern written on her face, “hey, I was looking for you. They’re making sundaes right now, and they even have one’s with coffee ice cream, your favorite!”

She was trying to act like we hadn’t kissed just a month ago. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to her, and it wasn’t on her mind, but it was all that filled my mind these days. 

I didn’t want to bring down her mood. We hadn’t ever really talked about the kiss yet except for the conversation right after she told me about it. I tried to express how I had felt since then to her now, but seeing how happy she looked the whole afternoon, I just couldn’t.

Instead I put all my energy to smile for her, “That sounds amazing, I’ll be right there”

Her brows furrowed in confusion, “what’s wrong?”

Belly knew me and knew that there was something wrong, so she didn’t ask if there was something wrong, she just skipped to the direct question wondering what it was about. It made me feel understood, and I loved her for it. 

I really tried to sound convincing in my next response so that she wouldn’t be concerned about me, “Uh, nothing I promise, I was just calling one of my friends about this movie we’re seeing next week” 

Belly believed me, “Okay, well come back quickly, this is our last summer all together for now, and I want us to make the most of it”

She leaned in to give me a hug as I crumbled inside. 

As she walked away, I remembered thinking this was the first time I really ever lied to her. I didn’t have movie plans with my friend this week. It was actually quite the opposite. I hadn’t really been in touch with a lot of my friends as much as I used to be. Normally I was a quick texter, but the past few weeks, I’d been lagging in my responses. Belly and I had only kissed a handful of times, so why had it affected me so much? If a few kisses did this to me, I couldn’t imagine the pain I’d probably feel after being in a relationship with her and then it ending. 

Even then, nothing compared to the feeling of being around her. If loving her meant I’d be a million times more heartbroken than now, I’d take that risk a trillion times over, than to never experience the joy of being with her.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

Looking back on that memory, I would have most likely told her how I felt standing by the gazebo than keeping my feelings to myself. I didn’t have any regrets, but just with anything, I would have done some things differently if I could have gone back. There were many other moments thought that I wouldn’t change any details about. I remembered Belly and my trip to Disneyland later that year during Halloween. We hadn’t originally planned on going. My cousin was getting married in Carmel, a small city in Southern California. We had a few days before the wedding to travel the city and decided to spend one day going to Disneyland since Belly had never been. I was surprised she had never gone, but then again I had only gone once as a kid, when my mom and dad took Conrad and me on a family vacation. 

FOUR AUTUMNS AGO:

Traffic was terrible, so Belly and I got to the theme park by noon even though we had planned to get there in the early morning. I tried to reassure her, “It’s okay, we can stay until they close, it’s better that way anyways since I heard the fireworks are one of the best parts”

Belly was distracted by all the autumn and Halloween decorations, “yes that sounds amazing, look at all this! Why can’t there be a Disneyland in every state, this is so pretty”

I laughed, “then it wouldn’t feel this special I guess”

She took my hand as she guided us to the California Adventure side, “What ride do you want to go on first?”

I was starving, “Can we eat first? The drive was brutal, and I think I could pass out any second now”

She rolled her eyes while laughing, “Okay if you must! But we have to be quick!”

I gave my most serious look, “Oh, you got it! I’ll eat quicker than it took you to put on those boots” 

Her mouth opened wide as she tried not to laugh, “you know the zipper was stuck, and I know you love these boots”

She was right, “oh absolutely, Disneyland wouldn’t be the same today without your boots” 

Both laughing, I pulled her in for a kiss, and she kept kissing me when I broke away, “excuse me, but didn’t you say we needed to get our food quickly so we would make it to more rides??”

She shook her head while smiling, “I see what you did there, very funny! C’mon”

Belly wanted to go to the Grizzly River Run. I didn’t know why I was surprised that it was a water ride when the name literally had the word ‘river’ in it. I turned to Belly as we got in line, “watch your boots”

She laughed, “oh, they will be fine”

When we finally got on the ride, the raft was moving at a fairly medium pace when all of a sudden the current became stronger as all the passengers shrieked in excitement. Once we passed the first few rapids, laughing alongside Belly, she gave me a look of victory, “see I told you-”

Before she could finish her sentence the largest rapid hit, and both our pants were soaked with water as I turned to her, “right...”

She looked equally pissed and amused as we both burst into laughter when I said, “I told you we should have just gone to it’s a small world!” 

She tried shaking off the excess water while still laughing, “shut up!”

Luckily it was a very sunny day, and our pants were dry within the next hour. This was also a nice surprise since on the east coast it would not have been nearly this sunny on a fall afternoon. I loved having different seasons though, but this was a nice change of pace. 

Shortly before sunset, we decided to go to the Disneyland side of the theme park. I chose the next ride since I wanted to ride the Matterhorn Bobsleds. I was laughing throughout the whole ride because Belly was beyond nervous at the bear that supposedly appeared toward the end of the ride. As we got closer to the end, I screamed, “see you were worried for nothing, there’s no bear-”

The next thing I heard was Belly screaming as she held onto my hand. The bear did look a little frightening, not going to lie, but at the end of the ride I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, “you’re cute when you get scared”

She looked up at me, “oh please, you screamed louder than me”

I opened my mouth and narrowed my eyes down at her, “I screamed at your scream, you’re very scary”

She turned around with the funniest smile, “Oh really? If I’m so scary, then why aren’t you running away now?”

I got the hint and kissed her in the middle of the most magical place on earth.

A few seconds into the kiss, she broke away, “wait we need to go to it’s a small world before the parade”

We hurried to the next adventure. When we got there, to my delight, the attraction was decorated in The Nightmare before Christmas theme. Once we got into the boat I whispered, “see this is much better for your boots” as she nudged me while I smirked at her. 

A few minutes into the ride I heard her singing along when she had the most disappointed look on her face, “well?? Why aren’t you singing, I know you know the words, remember we’d sing them as kids?”

When we were kids, Belly would dream of going to Disneyland one day, but felt discouraged by how far it felt thousands of miles away from North Carolina. She would sing the theme song from the it’s a small world attraction while we made cardboard boxes and pretended we were on a boat, to remind herself and all of us that the world was really smaller than we all made it seem. A few times when we went river rafting, she did this as well. I smiled at the memory in that moment, “fine if I must.” I was happy she reminded me because it brought me so much happiness as soon as I started singing along with Belly:

“It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears, it’s a world of hope’s and a world of fears, there’s so much that we share that it’s time we’re aware, it’s a small world after all”

“it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small, small world”

We made it in time for the parade and were in awe at all the different colored lights that filled the theme park and all the decorations that moved along Main Street, U.S.A. Since it was a few weeks before Halloween, they added new characters to the parade including Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. This was one of my highlights since it was one of my favorite movies to watch during fall. 

I hadn’t seen that many lights in such a short timeframe before, and even though ‘magical’ was cheesy, that was the only word I could have used to describe the scene. The costumes, the music, the joy from the audience, it was something I had never experienced, and to have Belly beside me, made it all the more unforgettable. 

As the parade was almost over, we went and had some ice cream sundaes. I had a coffee flavored one, and Belly had a classic banana split. It was starting to get cold, but we both loved having ice cream during cold weather even more. I noticed Belly shivering a little so I put my jacket around her shoulders. 

She smiled while finishing her dessert, “thanks Jere,” as she kissed my cheek making me blush. 

She smiled even wider, “Are you blushing, or is it the cherry cream on your cheek?”

I was confused, “what?”

Before I knew it, she put some of the whipped cream that was stained from the maraschino cherry on my left cheek. 

My mouth dropped, “oh so we’re doing that now, okay,” as I put some of fudge from my sundae on her nose. 

We noticed the hostess staring at us, so we stopped. We continued our muffled laughter though as we made our way near the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to get a good view of the fireworks. 

Belly and I were stunned. Maybe, there were bigger and better fireworks other places and at other venues, but we had never seen ones this striking before. I heard her whisper, “it’s stunning”

I whispered back holding her in my arms, “maybe, but you’re more stunning”

I saw her roll her eyes trying to hold in her smile, “I cannot with you,” as she kissed my cheek. 

I wanted nothing more than to kiss her in that moment, but this was a once in a lifetime experience, and I wanted us to take in the view for as long as we could. 

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

My adrenaline was at an all-time high that day. I hadn’t gone back to Disneyland since then and hoped Belly and I would go back again one day. I remembered she threw away those boots when we got back to our hotel in Carmel. I expected her to be more disappointed, but she had told me the memories that day gave her were worth losing the shoes. 

To my surprise, the highlight for the day for me was the parade. Something about how festive everything was and seeing all the families, couples, and friends all gathered together experiencing a happy moment together filled the pain I felt from recently having lost my mom. When Belly and I had started dating, it significantly reduced the grief I was feeling, but I knew that it was still there, and I didn’t know if it would ever completely disappear. I definitely don’t feel the same grief now that I felt then, but it’s weird, it still lingers every now and then in a completely different way that is sometimes hard to put into words. 

Looking back on the parade I remembered the The Nightmare Before Christmas segment of the parade, and I was reminded of Natasha. It’s funny how someone you just met who still remained pretty much a stranger to you could now be connected to one of your past memories as well as one fairly recent one. I remembered the conversation we had this Halloween just over a week ago and how it felt like one of the most candid moments for me. It was the first time I could recall speaking to someone who I had not grown up with or known for years, who really heard what I had to say without judgment. I was well aware Natasha definitely seemed judgmental, but I had an intuition that things weren’t what they seemed with her. I also couldn’t really wrap my finger around what was going on with her, and initially I didn’t think I cared. If I didn’t care, why was I thinking of this at all right now? 

It must have been because she was different from anyone I had ever met, and that threw me off. It couldn’t be anything more than that. I didn’t know anything about her, and clearly my intuition had failed me before many times. I could have been wrong about her as well. Regardless, I hadn’t thought of how to apologize to her yet and hoped I would figure it out soon because the longer it took, the less sincere looked.

Right next to the Disneyland photos on my camera roll were the ones from the wedding a few days later. I knew I had to review the reminder on my phone, so I told myself this was the last memory I would remember for now. 

BACK TO FOUR AUTUMNS AGO:

My cousin’s wedding was at The Lodge at Pebble Beach in Carmel. The scenic view was just as magical as the one a few days ago at the theme park but in a completely different way. The grass was a vibrant shade of green, and the leaves were shades of olive and terracotta. The reception was during the evening and was also outdoors. I could see Belly and I here one day as well. Our table was filled with autumn flower bouquets, long peach and pumpkin-colored candles, terracotta glass cups, ivory tablecloth, and the shiniest silverware. I looked over at Belly after we finished having our dinner. Everyone’s attention was on the bride, but mine was only on her. I was mesmerized by the deep teal shimmering dress she wore that resembled how moonlight danced over the ocean, “don’t tell the bride, but you’re best dressed Bells”

She moved in closer to me and pressed her nose against mine as a slow song started. Still looking into her eyes this close, I let out my hand in front of her to hold, “will you do me the honor?”

Her smile filled her entire face, “I’ve been waiting all night for this”

So had I. 

When we got to the dancefloor, the bride and groom were dancing in the center, and everyone else danced around them. I wrapped my arms around Belly’s waist as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I didn’t remember the last time my heart was beating that fast. It felt like it would jump out of my chest at any moment. 

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

BELLY’S POV:

I was watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The only two people in the world who would watch old movies with me who actually also happened to enjoy them were Susannah and Jeremiah. It also happened that these were my favorite movies to watch, but they all connected back to two people who I never thought would turn into only memories. 

BACK TO THE WEDDING:

BELLY’S POV:

I was waiting for him to kiss me during the slow dance and smiled as I noticed him move closer. 

BACK TO JEREMIAH’S POV:

When my lips touched hers, a shock went through my body. This is what lightning probably felt like. 

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

JEREMIAH’S POV:

I remember the kiss during the slow song was so simple, which is why it had felt all the more special. It felt like we were the only two people on the dancefloor. 

BELLY’S POV:

I looked at my phone and saw a text from Taylor when I noticed my wallpaper. My lock screen still was a picture of me and Jeremiah from a wedding four autumns ago. I remembered thinking that night that could be us one day. 

BACK TO JEREMIAH’S POV:

I suddenly got the urge to talk to her. I went to my messages app and found her number. 

Before I could even think of what to say to Belly, I closed my phone. I knew this wouldn’t be a good idea. This is what I was trying to avoid. I knew the moment I remembered a few memories, I would change my mind. The fact was that these memories didn’t change how I felt, what she did, and the reality of everything. It was only giving me more false hope, something I should have removed long ago. The alternative was worse though. Trying to forget everything had given me more anxiety than it should have and distracted me from my studies. At least this way, I finished a good amount of my exam preparations as well. I could get through these memories. I had to continue to remember it all because eventually I’d get to the not so shiny and pretty moments. You could miss someone but still know you needed to move on. 

It was now around 2:30 pm, and I gave Hazel some snacks while I had a veggie wrap I had from before from Trader Joe’s. The pumpkin patch closed around 7 pm today, so after we both ate, Hazel and I went there. I already knew she loved passing by the decorations, but this was her first time actually going there. As I was headed out the door, I received a call from Conrad and answered, “Hey, what’s up?”

The connection wasn’t very good, so I barely heard him at first, “are you busy right now? I was thinking maybe we could go get dinner tonight”

I knew he wasn’t referring to talk about Belly because of what he said to me during our last conversation so even though I was still mad at him, I agreed, “yeah sure, but I’m going with Hazel to the pumpkin patch first, so I’ll text you when I’m leaving, and we can decide on the place then”

What he said next surprised me, “Oh okay cool, do you mind if I join you two? I’d love to come”

Conrad hated pumpkin patches and pretty much anything festive, “Really?”

He quickly answered, “yeah, I think it’ll be fun”

I couldn’t really picture it, but I could have really used the company, “Yeah, okay, see you there soon”

When I got there, I was surprised to find him already there, “Hey”

I was a little skeptical, “hey”

Conrad gave a genuine smile, “hey, Hi Hazel,” and then he quickly jumped. 

Hazel barked at him, and it made me laugh since she rarely barked at people.

He continued, “I saw some homemade kettle corn they were making at the front, so I’ll go get us some”

This worked for me since I wanted to walk around alone with Hazel first, “sure that sounds great, we can circle back here in a few minutes”

As we walked past the dozens and dozens of pumpkins and jack-o’-lanterns, I breathed in the nostalgic smell of the haystacks, caramel apples, kettle corn, and rust from the rides. This was the smell of autumn that I remembered as a kid. My mom would take me to the pumpkin patch every year, and we would share a caramel apple. She’d buy us raffle tickets even though the prize was usually a stuffed animal or a piece of cold pizza. It didn’t matter because the entire fun was the adventure of it all, not the prize at the end. 

17 AUTUMNS AGO:

I forgot my sweater, and my mom knew I would get cold, so she brought me a sweater and put it in her bag the whole time. 

This was the first year she took me to a magical place she called a pumpkin patch. I didn’t know what to expect, but when we got there, I had never seen her so happy. 

I was so young that the only memory I remember was eating my first caramel apple that I had insisted I could finish, when I only ate two pieces of it. My mom had a big sweet tooth and had finished the rest. I passed out in her arms as we left the pumpkin patch.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

I knew no one else liked going to the pumpkin patch, including Belly’s mom Laurel, even though she would go with her sometimes. I genuinely liked going to them, so it became a special tradition between me and my mom. I looked at the pine tree that was nearby, the same one that had been here since the first time we came here years ago. Every year the leaves would fall, but the tree stood firmly rooted in the soil. 

9 AUTUMNS AGO:

My mom and I went on a swing ride at the pumpkin patch, and I remembered closing my eyes the whole time because I was terrified of heights and never forgot her words shortly after the ride started, “sweetie, if you close your eyes, you’ll miss it all. There’s nothing to be scared of”

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was this giant pine tree. I was still a little startled, so I focused on that tree until the ride was over to defeat my fear. 

When we shared our caramel apple later, my mom could tell I wasn’t as cheerful as I usually was, “what’s wrong honey?”

I started crying, “my friend invited everyone to his birthday but me. I didn’t do anything, why would he do that?”

My mom gave me her most sympathetic look as she opened her arms toward me and I rushed towards her and cried harder, “listen to me, you didn’t do anything wrong. There are times where people will treat you a certain way or say something to you, and they don’t mean it. It doesn’t make it okay, but it has nothing to do with you. Don’t let anyone make you feel you are the problem if you didn’t do anything wrong. I want you to remember the most important part okay, will you remember this for me?”

I nodded with wide eyes, while my tears started to fade, and she continued, “don’t ever, I mean ever let anyone change what makes you, you. You are my sunshine boy, and no one can take your sunshine away from you, okay?”

I nodded, “okay.”

She hugged me tight, “okay.”

BACK TO PRESENT DAY:

Conrad came back and we had the kettle corn and played some games since I had Hazel with me, and we couldn’t go on any rides. About an hour later, we decided to go get dinner when I suggested, “Do you want us to just pick up some pizza? You can come over, and we can eat there if you want.”

He looked surprised, “Yeah, sure that would great”

I half-smiled, “Okay, cool, I’ll order the usual and I’ll see you in a bit”

When we got home, Conrad noticed a book on the shelf next to the TV as I was finishing my last slice, “Oh I remember this, this was mom’s favorite fall memories book, I can’t believe you still kept it. Are the crafts also in here that she made?”

I was surprised he remembered those, “yeah they are”

CONRAD’S POV:

This notebook had photos, some random things like raffle tickets from when Jeremiah and our mom would go to the pumpkin patch and a shoestring from when I tied my first shoelace that she insisted at the time we should keep, and some letters she wrote to us in autumn. She had this notebook for each season. As Jeremiah and I looked through the notebook, I was reminded of all the memories we shared, many of which I had forgotten about. Most included just me, Jeremiah, and mom, but there were still more than I thought there would be with our dad as well. Our dad should have been more involved when Jeremiah and I were teenagers and when my mom was sick, but ever since she passed away, he had made a consistent effort to be there for both of us. I was grateful for this because he was all we had, and when it counted, he was there for us.

As I looked through the photos of Jeremiah and I when we were just kids, it made me emotional. I looked over at him and noticed he was glued to the notebook and didn’t see me looking. There were a handful of photos where he was looking up at me in the images. I laughed inside because if he only knew that he was the one I looked up to.

I always knew he was better than me. He was kinder, more thoughtful, and there for you even when you pretended that you didn’t need him to be there. More often than not, I pushed him away, but he was still always there for me. I couldn’t change the past, but I didn’t want to ruin what remained of our relationship. I knew I’d never be half the man he was, but I would try my best to be a better man and brother to him. 

I noticed a video that said, our best days, and looked at Jeremiah, “What’s this?”

He looked even more confused than me, “I don’t know, let’s play it, and see”

BACK TO JEREMIAH’S POV:

I was three years old in the video, and Conrad was four. I now remembered our dad took the video where Conrad was throwing paint tubes in the living room, while I was painting a watercolor painting on a piece of paper. I felt a tear fall down my right cheek and instantly wiped it when I saw my mom sitting next to me in the kitchen. She looked beautiful and joyful, and everything was perfect.

She was painting alongside me, and I just remember how she always stood by me. There were times I was wrong, and she still stood by me. She taught me what unconditional love was, the only love that I now wanted to have and give. The next moment I saw her looking wide-eyed into my eyes as I looked back and mirrored her facial expression as we both began laughing.

I laughed through the tears at this moment from the screen I had forgotten about. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean on the sunniest summer day. I remembered all the moments where she gave me the spotlight and sacrificed moments that could have been hers but made them ours. 

I looked at Conrad and noticed his eyes were watery as well. I didn’t expect to get this emotional, but a second later I started crying into my hands, when I felt Conrad’s arm on my back. I looked at him and immediately cried into his arms. 

BACK TO CONRAD’S POV:

I never saw Jeremiah cry like that except at her funeral. I felt bad for even suggesting to watch the video now because I hated seeing him like this. I held onto him as he cried, when I heard him say, “Thank you for coming today. I missed you”

The tears I fought back earlier fell down my face as I still held onto him, “I missed you too.”

BACK TO JEREMIAH’S POV:

I wasn’t just sad, I was also happy at the same time. It felt like our mom brought us back together somehow, and I was grateful for it. I felt Conrad crying on my shoulder as well and knew we both needed this. Somehow, in a very, very strange way, this was one of the best days we had shared in years.