the winter i turned intelligent: chapter 9 (pt. 2)

Important Note from Dreamy Plots & Story Talks: This story contains suggestive language and sexual content and is only suitable for readers that are 18+.

Chapter 9 (part 2):

Jeremiah’s POV:

Our annual Secret Santa gift exchange was usually a few days before Christmas, but since Jessica was out of town with her family for the holidays this year, we had postponed it to today. Christmastime usually went by quicker than I would have hoped for, but this year felt unusually rushed. It was already five days after Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve was in less than two days.  

When I had first shuffled through the tiny pieces of paper and had drawn Natasha’s name, I had thought it was a mere coincidence. I knew exactly what to get her. Belly had asked me to get her more wrapping paper for the presents, and as I had looked for possible gift ideas, I found the perfect one.

I got her a The Nightmare Before Christmas themed notebook that also included a calendar within it. I gathered from Halloween that she also really enjoyed this movie. It was a good option since it wasn’t too personal of a gift either where it would have bothered Belly to see me give her. It was just a notebook.

Belly and I had decided to have the Secret Santa at our place. Hazel was sitting on my lap while I was watching Love Actually. This was my favorite Christmas movie and one of Belly’s favorites as well. No matter how many times I watched it, it never made me bored.

In fact, even though at this point I knew exactly what would happen in each scene, I didn’t like being interrupted when watching the film. It was that good of a movie. Belly was the only one who could get my attention even during this.

Hazel and Belly had spent a lot more time around each other in the past month or so, and it brought me happiness that I couldn’t put into words seeing her grow closer to Belly. As soon as Belly came down the stairs and sat on the couch next to me, Hazel moved from my lap and into hers.

Hazel started licking Belly’s cheeks, and she began giggling, “aw she finally likes me, I’m gonna cry.”

“She always liked you. She’s smart and knows how much I like you and didn’t want you to replace her.” Hazel ran across the room and towards her holiday toys, “Even she knows the effect you have on me.”

Belly played it coy, “what effect do I have on you?”

Instead of answering her question, I decided to show her, “You look incredible in red.” She was wearing a red sweater and jeans, and she knew that red was my favorite color on her. I could tell she didn’t know what I would say next. I looked at her collarbone while I traced over it gently and then looked into her eyes for a brief second, “and that same fucking...perfume...” I kissed along her skin that I had traced, while I added, “did that answer your question?” 

Belly’s eyes were heavy, and it matched her tone, “mm.” 

She pulled the top of my sweater towards her, and I smirked as our faces barely touched, “I can’t stop thinking about how you kissed me at the rink...”

“I know, you wouldn’t shut up about it the entire night,” She held onto the back of my hair.

I teased, “Can you blame me?”

As soon as she pressed her lips against mine the doorbell rang. I groaned as I made my way to answer the door, “remind me why we decided to have the gift exchange here?!” 

Belly fixed her hair and snorted, while Carlos, Zac, Matt, and Ashley walked through the door.

Carlos must have seen Belly’s rosy cheeks, “oh they were definitely about to-”

“Okay! So let me check if the pizza’s almost here.” Mine were most likely red now too.

By the next twenty minutes, everyone had arrived. After we finished the pizzas, we set up the living room for the gift exchange. I was last and handed Natasha her gift. I was terrible at gift wrapping, but I had tried my best.  

After she unwrapped the present and saw what it was, she looked like she was in a trance.

Steven interrupted, “Jere, I think she’s confused why you got her a Halloween present.”

Jessica laughed, “The Nightmare Before Christmas is also a holiday movie. It can be for both occasions.”

Natasha must have heard the side remarks when she quickly smiled, “it’s amazing, thanks.”

I nodded and smiled but also wondered what that had been about. She didn’t look as excited with the gift as I had thought she would be. Maybe she didn’t like the movie as much as I had remembered.

Belly’s POV:

Trusky, Jeremiah, and Conrad were preparing hot chocolate with candy canes and marshmallows. Everyone was in a pretty good mood, even Natasha. I had expected her to be angrier with me given how our last conversation had gone. To my surprise, she looked pretty happy, which made me relieved since I had spent a good amount of time the past week regretting everything I had said to her at the rink.

I was waiting for a moment alone with her so that I could apologize for it all. When she disappeared into the hallway, I knew it was my chance to make things right, “hey.” 

If she was surprised to see me, she definitely didn’t show it, “are you going to start following me wherever I go?”

I guessed I deserved that, “no, I just wanted to apologize for how I spoke to you the other day. I’m very sorry, and I feel terrible about it.”

Her eyes narrowed as a small smile formed on her lips, “Are you apologizing just because you feel terrible about it or because of how it actually made me feel?”

“Both,” I knew that I had hurt her. She was about to open the restroom door when I added, “I know I was out of line for what I said. I just felt like I was losing him and-” I took a deep breath, “I really want us to be friends.”

“If talking to someone else that you barely know like that helps you keep someone in your life then I would reevaluate just how important they really are. And I’m sorry, but I don’t think we could ever be friends. Not anymore.” She shut the restroom door, and I walked away defeated.

I knew asking her to be friends might have been too much, but I hoped she would have accepted my apology at the very least. I don’t think she had, and I wished I could have blamed her for it. I probably wouldn’t have accepted it if I were her either.

There was truth to what she told me. Even though I did feel bad at how I had spoken to her, I felt far worse at the possibility of Jeremiah or Conrad finding out about our conversation. It didn’t seem like she had told them, but I couldn’t rely on her trust. She clearly didn’t like me anymore and had every excuse to tell them now.

Natasha’s POV:

I wasn’t as affected by my conversation with Belly as I would have been after receiving the notebook from Jeremiah. I tried to brush off what I continued to tell myself was only a crush. It was more than that now, and I didn’t need anyone including Belly to remind me that it could never happen. It was my decision to make, not hers, and I chose not to interfere.

Every so often, I still had a delusional thought that maybe on his own, Jeremiah would change his mind, but I was reminded yet again that the feelings were never mutual. I almost walked past the kitchen when I overheard his conversation with Trusky. Trusky mentioned, “that was a thoughtful gift to get someone that you’re not dating,” and Jeremiah responded, “No, it’s just a notebook, it’s nothing.” I quickly walked back to the living room not wanting to hear the rest.

Later That Evening:

Conrad’s POV:

“We’re almost there, I promise.” The drive would have been thirty minutes if it wasn’t for the New Year’s weekend traffic. Parking was even worse, but the view was worth it once we finally made it to the entrance. I had researched the top skating rinks within an hour away and heard this was the community favorite that was only here once a year. This was the last rink I had found, and I would have done it all over again after seeing Natasha’s reaction to it now, “so, what do you think? Is it good enough for an Olympic champion??” 

I hadn’t seen her smile this much before, “it’s stunning, wow.”

“I know you said sometimes skating feels overwhelming and how your favorite moments were when your grandma watched you on the ice near your house and not at an actual rink. This was the closest outdoor rink I could find that wasn’t your typical rink, so I hope you like it,” I could tell she was still taking it all in. “Oh and before I forget, wait a second,” I went back to the car and brought her skates, “Here, I brought these. I heard that when you’re competing, the skates you wear are really important. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to wear the rentals so I asked Nina if I could bring you your skates so you could decide.”

She looked like she was about to criticize something, “Conrad...”

“We don’t have to skate if you don’t-” I had completely misread her. The way her lips touched mine sent a shock through my entire body, “my knees are too weak to skate now,” She smiled against my mouth, and I was reminded how I fell in love with her.

Back to Natasha’s POV:

There was a time when I thought Jeremiah preparing the falafel from scratch for me was the most thoughtful thing any guy had done for me. But I had clearly been mistaken. This was the most spectacular gesture I had ever experienced, and maybe I just hadn’t given Conrad enough of a chance yet. 

This rink was the closest thing to a Winter Wonderland I had seen in person. The place was covered in twinkling Christmas lights and shiny decorations with an ice scream sundae stand right next to it.

Conrad and I skated along the sides of the rink with our fingers intertwined. I was pretty surprised at his skating, “hey you’re pretty good at this!” 

“Do you think I could win the bronze?!” He paused, then spun me around once before almost tripping over my skates, “woahhh.” He gained his balance, “never mind, forget I asked that.”

 I couldn’t help but laugh, “I think you’re pretty good...”

Back to Conrad’s POV:

Her tone became noticeably flirtier causing another spike in my heart rate, “at what?” I think my flirting kept progressively getting worse the more I was around her, and I just had to accept that at this point.  

She snorted but then kissed me again in the middle of the ice.

The car ride back was peaceful and quiet. We were listening to holiday classics, and it made the ride back seem half the length.

I was staying with Taylor and Steven again, and they were spending the night at Jeremiah and Belly’s, so I offered for us to watch a movie there.

The movie was background noise for me though. My attention was only on Natasha.  

She turned to me as soon as it started, “Hey I’m sorry I didn’t invite you over for Christmas. My parents don’t want me to date anyone when I’m training... sometimes I actually think that they don’t want me to date anyone until my skating career is over...” then her voice grew quiet, “they’ve sacrificed so much for me though, so I try my best to listen to them. It’s been actually pretty easy to listen to them since I haven’t really met anyone, that is until I met you...I was really embarrassed to tell you this.” 

I appreciated her honesty and for a second felt bad that I had doubted her before, “don’t worry at all, really, thank you for telling me. I missed you of course, but I get it. That also sounds like a lot of pressure to be under. I’m sorry.” 

Back to Natasha’s POV:

I wanted to tell him that I missed him too. Of course I had a little, but I had felt relieved more than anything to have spent it alone with my family.

I brushed off this feeling though because I didn’t want to ruin the moment, not after how special Conrad had made tonight for me.

I leaned forward and softly opened my mouth. When his tongue touched mine, I felt dizzy at how good it felt. I had been overthinking this entire thing when we could have just been making out. He was one hell of a kisser. He picked up on my cue and lifted me so that I was now on top of him.  

His fingers slowly unbuttoned my sweater as my patience grew thin. I knew he intentionally took his time because he knew it was driving me insane. Our eye contact didn’t break this entire time as he fumbled with the last button. Underneath, I had a lace undershirt that covered my bra, but from how he bit his bottom lip, I think it might as well have been my bra.

He ran his fingers through my long curly hair and slightly pulled the ends as he got up to kiss me again. I felt his weight move over me as he kissed my neck. I felt a vibration against my ear, “I love you.”

I froze. He noticed. Everything changed.

“I’m sorry, was that too much? I just felt like saying it now. I don’t expect you to say it back or feel the same way.” I could tell he was rambling because of my lack of response.

As soon as he said those three words, I was reminded at how real this all was for him. It had only confirmed that it wasn’t the same for me.

Selfishly, the first thought that came to my mind was about Jeremiah after he said it. It brought me right back to when Jeremiah had told me how Belly said her ex’s name when they were kissing, which I later found out had been about Conrad. When I had first heard that story, I couldn’t relate to it in the slightest, but now I felt like a fool.

In this moment I was reminded of how much I still hadn’t shared with Conrad and instead wanted to share with his brother. I wanted to tell Jeremiah my goals after my skating career would have ended. I wanted to finally know what it would be like to kiss him and if it would have surpassed the way that I had dreamt about it. I was ashamed that Conrad was sharing so much of himself with me, and I couldn’t do the same.  

After Jeremiah and I had danced that night, I couldn’t wait to see him again. I missed him. But when Conrad and I were apart, I didn’t feel the same way. I wished I had. Even though I couldn’t have Jeremiah, that didn’t mean I should have been with his brother if I didn’t feel the same way as he did for me.  

I had my heart broken once, and I didn’t want to know how it felt like to break someone else’s. 

I couldn’t ignore him though, so I finally responded. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

“What? You were happy earlier tonight?” I could feel the disappointment in his eyes, “I thought we were good. Did I do something?” His reaction confirmed to me that he hadn’t expected this at all.

I was not one to lie often, but I couldn’t tell him the truth, “You’re without a doubt one of the best people I’ve ever met. But with my practice and everything, I can’t get serious about anyone. I thought I could, but now- now I see that I can’t. You’re too good of a person for me to lead on.”

I hated that I made him doubt what he had said to me so much so that he felt the need to take it back just because I didn’t feel the same way. “No, you didn’t do anything too soon. It’s all on me. If I was the right person, there wouldn’t be a perfect time.”

He looked into my eyes with sincerity as his voice became quieter, “is there someone else?”

“No.” I could never tell him that the someone else was his brother.

There was silence for a few moments before he handed me a box as he got up, “here.”

“What’s this-” I had a lump in my throat.

“It’s your Christmas present,” he was staring at the small mint blue box.

“There’s no way I can accept this, here” I handed it back to him. “You should give this to someone that deserves it.” 

He looked at me briefly then looked away immediately when he explained, “I can’t... it has your initials on it.”

I opened the box and saw a gold pair of snowflake shaped earrings with my initials engraved in the center of each earring. I felt a tear fall down my cheek, “why-”

“I was hoping it could be your good luck charm for the competition. With or without it, you’ll win the gold again,” ... he cleared his throat, “I’m sure of it.”

My instinct was to kiss his cheek, and it happened so fast that he didn’t realize it either until after. I knew it didn’t make any sense to do that, but I wasn’t thinking at this point. As my lips left his skin, I could see his eyes growing watery from up close. He was even stronger than me.

Even though I wished that I could have been with Jeremiah, I still had feelings for Conrad. There also wasn’t a guarantee that I’d ever meet someone as great as Conrad again. But liking them both wasn’t an option that I was willing to be okay with if that meant I’d potentially destroy their relationship with each other.

Family was everything to me, and I couldn’t do that. It was too big of a risk to take when I was pretty sure I already knew the outcome. My excuse to Conrad had been valid but not as much as the truth. I was willing for him to view me in a negative light rather than know the real reason that I couldn’t do this anymore.

Conrad had already lost the first person he thought he would be with for the rest of his life to his brother, and I couldn’t let that happen again.

The car ride back to my house was pure silence and not in the peaceful way it had been on the way here.

Back to Conrad’s POV:

I didn’t believe her, but that didn’t change anything. Her mind was made up.

My intuition told me that there had to have been someone else, but I quickly realized that was my way to make the disappointment subside. This was the most open and honest that I had been in a relationship, and it still hadn’t worked out.

On the bright side, I didn’t think I would have fallen in love again the way I had before. Instead, I fell in love even harder, so I expected the heartache to feel worse, and it did.

Among the many things I wanted to do with her, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen her skate yet, not professionally at least. My chest felt tight all of a sudden at the thought of what could have been as I watched her walk towards her front door and out of my life.

The Next Afternoon: 

Back to Jeremiah’s POV: 

Natasha had left her notebook at the house. I knew she wasn’t that excited when she received it but not enough to leave it here on purpose. I assumed it was just an honest mistake, so I texted Conrad and called him, but he didn’t answer. I was getting worried when Steven texted me back saying that Conrad had told him this morning that he would be running errands the entire day. I found that odd since tonight was New Year’s Eve.

Belly, Hazel, and I had gone out for lunch and since Natasha’s house was on the way, we went by to drop it off. Belly didn’t want to come inside, and I didn’t question it since she was busy with Hazel.

When I knocked on the door, I didn’t hear anyone. I called her, and it went straight to voicemail, so I decided that I would just give the notebook to Conrad to give to her some other day. As I left her doorsteps, I heard the door open and a soft voice say, “hello!”

I turned around and saw a little girl standing behind her, when Natasha added, “Hey, what’s up?”

“You left your notebook at the house, here. I tried calling Conrad, but he’s been avoiding me all day, do you know anything about that?” It wasn’t until now that I noticed it didn’t look like she had slept the night before.

“We broke up.” She didn’t even sugarcoat it, and I didn’t expect anything else from her.

“What happened? Are you okay? I’m sorry,” I didn’t know what to say, and after asking her those questions, I realized I shouldn’t have even asked her them.

The young girl chimed in from the back, “Are you Jeremiah? Her boyfriend.”

“Penelope! Sorry, this is my cousin Penelope. She must have mixed up your name and Conrad’s.” Natasha looked flustered.

“Nice to meet you Penelope,” I didn’t want to take too long especially because I wanted to figure out what was going on with Conrad, “sorry, I’m in a bit of a hurry. But I’ll see you- um I...”

“That’s okay, I probably won’t see you again. Thanks for the notebook again.” Natasha didn’t have any expression, even more than usual.  

“Oh it was nothing.” I was about to walk away. 

“Yeah I know,” She looked at me, and I felt the pain in her bright blue eyes.

She shut the door shortly after. As I walked back to the car, I didn’t realize how much she must have liked Conrad as well. I must have read how she felt completely wrong at the senior center. I couldn’t have imagined how Conrad must have been doing. At least now, I knew exactly where he would be.

At Sunset:

The déjà vu crept in at the sight of the sun on the horizon melting into the cold sea, except now the water was less violet and more midnight blue. Conrad was sitting on the sand the same way I had been right after Belly and I had broken up.

When I had first seen him show up on this beach that day, I had this sense of melancholy. I wanted to be alone, but I was also relieved that I wasn’t.

I assumed Conrad would have wanted the same, to be reminded that everything would be okay. He had been there for me, and now I was going to be there for him.

He turned around at the sound of my footsteps growing closer to him. He quickly looked back at the sea, but not quick enough for me to not have noticed his puffy eyes. I rarely saw my brother cry and to see it after he had only briefly been seeing someone left me a little perplexed.

I would never say this to him though because who was I to criticize the validity of how he felt? I didn’t know what I could say to make him feel better.

Even if I knew what to say, it wouldn’t have changed how he was feeling right now.

Instead, I sat down beside him as the sound of the small waves filled the silence between us.